The Fort Garry Hotel

A while back, I posted about taking Kid 2 away for a couple days at Spring Break. Her father had bailed out on his promised visit and I wanted to do something special to make it up to her. We decided to take a couple of days and do some shopping, go to the spa, and stay at a great hotel. The Fort Garry Hotel, which is on my list of absolute favorite places in the city to stay.

This hotel was built between 1911-1913 by the Grand Trunk Provincial Railway when the link between their East and West lines was complete. It is located one block away from the railway station and passengers could disembarkand be only steps away from luxury. Built in the style of the Park Plaza Hotel in New York City, it was a shining example of grand architecture and luxurious accomodations. Many famous people have stayed there including Nat King Cole, Joan Crawford, Lawrence Olivier,Louis Armstrong, Liberace, and Benny Goodman.

There have also long been rumours that the hotel is haunted. Room 202 is especially well known for this. It is rumoured that a bride killed herself in this room after her new husband died in an automobile accident, or that they were both killed in the room itself. There is a story that a workman was killed when he fell down an elevator shaft. Many guests have stated that they awoke in the middle of the night to see a ghostly figure standing at the foot of their beds,who then slowly disappeared.Strange noises have been heard in the hallways and cleaning staff have been said to have found blood seeping through the wallpaper.

We walked in the front doors to the lobby and I immediately fell in love. I am a huge fan of old buildings and architecture and history in general. This hotel is stunning and there are amazing features everywhere you look. The service is outstanding and the food is incredible. It was luxury at its' finest - and definitely not something my kids and I get to experience on a regular basis!

The hotel has been designated as a National Historic Site, which I think is great. Little by little, we are losing this type of building in favor of newer, sleeker, and more modern. There is so much to admire and learn from history, and newer is definitely not always better.

Here's a few pictures of our stay.

No,we did not stay in Room 202,much to my daughter's relief.

Without Sounding Like A Total Dork....

So yesterday I was checking my email, expecting nothing more than the usual online bills, newsletters I signed up for at one time or another, junk mail, and perhaps an actual note from a friend or two, which would have made me happy enough. If it's not a Viagra ad or a breast enhancement spiel or a penis enlargement deal screaming how he can make me happy all night long!!! I am okay with it. Cause I'm easy to please like that, ya know?

Instead, what I found was something much, much better. It made me smile and whoop with joy. It made me feel happy and excited in a way that usually only cheesecake can. Chocolate cheesecake, mind you.

So.what could it be? Did Publisher's Clearing House finally pick my name and promise to visit me with a large cheque and balloons? Nope. Did I win a car, a vacation, a chance to sit and visit with Oprah, maid service for a year? Nope. Did Matthew McConnaughey finally some to his senses and realize he actually should be having that baby with me? Nope, but sigh......

Nope to all of the above. What it was was an email from Boondock Ramblings, whose web site I happen to love and read daily. My very first comment from a real blogger!! She welcomed me to the blog world and said she'd be back to read more. Holy crap!

See, I started this blog just for fun. I tend to rant and rave and get vocal about things in my life (hi kids and family!) and my son assured me that even I could make a blog. Since then I've been doing a little posting but have become absolutely the blog world's best lurker. I first became addicted to Dooce and was more than a little bit in awe of her. Then I searched around a bit and found all of these fantastic women who really were a lot like me. Reading about their lives, their kids, husbands or not, good days, bad days, experiences with work, dating, and just life in general really resonated with me. How nice it is to know I am not alone in this world!

It is very intimidating, this whole blog world. There are groups and clubs and get togethers and a whole lot of pictures of these women getting together and drinking. They support each other, challenge each other, and laugh and cry right along with each other. From what I can tell, some of them have formed incredible friendships all across the country. Being new, and an outsider, I could only look on and wonder how they all managed to get to that point. It felt like being the loner looking in at all the cool kids and wishing they would notice you and ask you to join them.

So, without sounding like a total dork, getting my first comment was like one of those cool kids looking your way and smiling and saying hi. My vow is to be less of a lurker and feel more free to leave a comment or two. Maybe it will make someone else'a day, the way that Boondock Rambling made mine.

To her, I say thank you from the bottom of my heart. I'm sure to you it was no big deal,but I'm here to tell you that you taking the time to say a simple hello - that one simple act of caring- meant a great deal to this new blogger.

Dating

Let me start this off by saying that I've been single for a very long time. A ....very...long...time. We're talking years here, people. It has been by choice really. After a divorce and another painful breakup that went on far longer than it should have, this heart of mine had had enough.

I didn't want to put my kids through anymore than they had already been through. Their Dad had walked away and the man they had begun to refer to as "my stepdad" was not the man their mother thought he was ( a whole other story) and he too was now out of their lives. Seriously, can you say guilt?

Besides not wanting them to go through any of that all over again, I often entertained the thought that I was just not relationship material. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt, ya know? There may also have been that short time period of basically hating every man on the planet's guts. And thinking every single one of them was a jackass who didn't know the meaning of the words honesty and responsibility. But I digress. And by the way, I'm better now.

I decided it was time for a break from men. The last several years have been devoted to my children. And to me. To figure out what my issues were that had brought me to this place and to resolve the issues and emotions of the failed realtionships. And to learn how to be alone. And be okay with being alone, really. Not just say it with a fake smile plastered on my face and gritted teeth.

Fast forward to present. Single now for about 6 years. Basically pretty much okay with who, what, and where I am in life. And with being alone. Totally okay with that. I've discovered that I am great company and a whole lot of fun to hang out with. I'm really a fairly cool person and I like being with me.

I've been gently dipping my toes into the dating pond over the last year or so.(Note to self - there are sooo many potential blog posts on this subject.) What I've discovered is that finding a good man is way way harder than the proverbial needle in a haystack thing.

(For anyone who knows me, the little relationship I had going on a couple months ago is not going to be counted. When you discover you need to run far and fast, and he ends up harassing and stalking you, it's not a good relationship. And it's my blog and I say it doesn't count. So there.)

Anyway.....

There is this guy. That I've known for quite a while. Let's call him G. We lost touch while I was dating the above, not to be mentioned, harassing, stalker guy. One day out of the blue, G emails me and says Hey, how are you? Long time no chat. I'm thinking about moving to B.C. Drop me a line if you feel like chatting. I emailed him back and after a couple weeks chatting, we decided to meet for a drink. He greeted me with a big hug and said Wow, it's great to see you again. We sat in the bar at a quiet table in the back and talked for hours. I remembered exactly why I had liked him in the first place and how easy he was to talk to.

We made plans to meet again and since then, have seen each other every weekend for the last 2 months. He is funny, shares my love of animals, kind, honest, thoughtful, and always keeps his word. As a side note, he is very tall, blonde, has tattoos, and great arms. I'm just saying.

Holy crap, I think I'm dating!

It Should Be Okay

Lately, I've been feeling just a bit "off." Not sure why. I've run the checklist in my head several times and all the main categories seem to be fine.

Work? Going well.

Kids? Healthy and staying out of trouble.

Family? Everyone's good.

Money? Under control.

Man? Better than I hoped.


Yep, all that stuff is okay.

So, what is it?


Hmm, can't say that I know actually. Just gonna keep on moving forward and keeping my head up. Whatever the problem is,it will come to me eventually...it always does.

Talked to my son tonight. Crap, I love that kid!! Him being so far away is one of the things I would change in my life if I could. It's like a part of my heart and soul is out walking around in another province and I ache with the loss. Sigh....

In other news, I did something big the other day. Something I have wanted to do for such a very long time. I can't say what it is ( No, B. I'm not telling you yet...), but as soon as I find out the outcome I will post here and tell you all about it.

Unless of course, it turns out like I hope and then I may not be able to post because I might have dropped dead at something good actually happening to me....in my life.....me!!

Yep, gotta love the positive attitude floating around here tonight.

Bitchology


When I stand up for myself and my beliefs, they call me a bitch.

When I stand up for those I love, they call me a bitch.

When I speak my mind, think my own thoughts,or do things my own way, they call me a bitch.

Being a bitch means I won’t compromise what’s in my heart.

It means I live my life MY way.

It means I won’t allow anyone to step on me.

When I refuse to tolerate injustice and speak against it, I am defined as a bitch.

The same thing happens when I take time for myself instead of being everyone’s maid, or when I act a little selfish.

It means I have the courage and strength to allow myself to be who I truly am and won’t become anyone else’s idea of what they think I “should” be.

I am outspoken, opinionated, and determinedI want what I want and there is nothing wrong with that.

So try to stomp on me, try to douse my inner flame, try to squash every ounce of beauty I hold within me.

You won’t succeed.

And if that makes me a bitch, so be it.

I embrace the title and am proud to bear it.

Sometimes


Sometimes……there’s just nothing like a night out with a bunch of crazy friends who make you laugh until you cry.


Sometimes…..I actually feel like a grown up…and then I look around to see if anyone knows I’m actually faking it.


Sometimes…….laughter really is the best medicine.


Sometimes….you connect with people you thought you had nothing in common with - or that you totally thought you didn’t even like.


Sometimes….it’s really refreshing to do whatever the hell you want.


Always…it’s nice to come home and have someone call to see how your day was….Thanks G.

Life Savers


I am a big fan of quotes. I have notebooks full of them, scribbled down when they struck me as having particular meaning in my life.

I was looking through them tonight and it struck me how some of my favorites spoke to me at a certain time in my life, how they seemed to have been written with my exact situation in mind,how they spoke to me so personally, and how often they gave me something to hang onto and repeat over and over to myself on the really tough days.

I’ve listed some of them below.

My all time favorite quote ever. This is THE ONE that got me through my divorce and helped me to finally let go of all the shit that was holding me down. It was sent to me by a very good friend and i wrote it down and still carry that piece of paper in my wallet 13 years later.

“And then the day came when the pain it took to hold on was far greater than the pain it took to let go.”

I like this one about divorce too.

“Divorce is a death. Divorce is the death of a relationship. It is the death of your dreams. You have to start all over.”

And this one was repeated endlessly.

“The only way out is right through the middle.”

This one reminds me that everyone has problems in life and I am no different than anyone else. God did not promise us an easy journey, only the strength to get through. It also helps me remember how much I have already survived and to know that I have the strength to get through whatever lies ahead.

“For a long time it seemed to me that life was ABOUT to begin - REAL LIFE. But there was always some obstacle in the way, some thing to be got through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, or debt to be paid - THEN real life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles WERE my life.”

This one helped me a lot when I was crippled with depression that seemed unending and life seemed hopeless. An amazing Dr. that helped me recover had this posted on his office wall.

“If Joan of Arc could turn the tide of an entire war before her 18th birthday, you can get out of bed.”

The rest I just like for various reasons.

“The past is over and done with. We can not change that now. Yet we can change our thoughts about the past. How foolish for us to punish ourselves in the present moment because someone hurt us in the long ago past.”

“You will not defeat tomorrow’s difficulties by worrying; you will only serve to drain today of its’ strength.”

“We close our eyes to the world and then cry out that it is dark.”

“The price of anything is the amount of life you pay for it.”

And finally this is one of my current favorites….

“You can do whatever you want with a brand new day. Choose wisely.”

Round 2 ……With More Enthusiasm


I suck. As a consistent blogger that is.

My last post was nearly a month ago. I’ve fallen into the void of everyday life. I know that things have been happening in my life. I just haven’t gotten around to getting them down in writing.
So, with renewed enthusiasm and effort, I’m beginning again. With the hopes of filling this blank page every day - even if it’s just a short blurb.

So what’s been going on around here for the last month? Let’s see….

4 out of 7 co-workers were away at the same time at work. At the busiest time of the month of course. Going from handling a case load of 340 to being the only person in the department handling all 800 cases for 2 1/2 weeks made for some busy stressful days. Demanding clients, deadlines, crabby co-workers and not enough hours in the day made for a very hectic time. At the end of the day, I was drained and exhausted and could not wait to get home to hit the couch. This job sucks all the life out of me some days. Never have I had a job that takes so much out of me. This is called working in the “helping profession.” Satisfying - yes, challenging and difficult - definitely.

I’ve been seriously researching going back to school to get my degree. It would have to be part time and would have to be fit into my life in a manageable way. The costs are high, but for me to get ahead in this field, it is a necessary step. There will be job openings in the future due to retirements and the only way to be qualified is to have a degree. The pay and benefits are fabulous and I can definitely see myself making a career out of this. I think the best way to start is to take one course and see how it goes. So that’s on the to do list.

Kid 2 was on spring break. She was to be spending time with her father. However, at the last minute, he cancelled his visit with her. Insert profanity here. She was , as usual, hurt and feeling like she is in last place on his list of priorities. When I asked her how she felt about him cancelling their time together, she just said ,”I’m used to it, Mom.” I’d like to strangle him, but would be satisfied with him pulling his head out of his ass long enough to see what this does to her. Wishful thinking on my part. So, Mom stepped up to try to fill the void. How familiar that is. I took a couple of days off work and we went to the city for some girl time. We spent one whole afternoon at the spa getting pampered and rubbed and lotioned and all that good stuff. It was fabulous - relaxing and calming and very good for the soul. Stayed at a great hotel, went out for an awesome dinner and ate far too much good food, hit the mall and did some shopping, and hung out in the hotel. We do not spend enough time together and it was great to just be able to hang out and talk with her and find out what is going on in her world. She is such an amazing young woman, and I am blessed to be able to call her mine. And Dad missed out on yet another chance to get to spend time with her, make memories with her, laugh with her, and show her how important and special she is. His loss….again.

The snow is finally just about all gone and I couldn’t be happier. I have nothing good left to say about snow, slippery roads, cold weather, and winter in general. I am craving spring with all my heart and soul. I want to be outside in the sunshine, feeling it’s warmth on my face and the breeze blowing on my skin. I need to see green grass and flowers blooming. I can’t wait for bare feet and cold drinks in the back yard. Soon…..please, soon.

The one who was bothering me has stopped and there has been no contact at all for the last month or so. Thank God! the stress level has dropped considerably in my life, and even more as every day goes by that I don’t hear from him. Being free to just be myself is such a relief. No demands, no constant questioning, no one wanting reassurance, no one checking on my every movement, no one needing from me every second. i did not realize how much it was dragging me down and getting back to just being me and living my life has been freeing and peaceful. I haved talked to R. and he seems to be doing okay. I hope. I’m sure it isn’t easy living in that house with an unhappy K. If I could maintain contact with R. and have him know that this was in no way related to him and had nothing to do with him, and that it hasn’t affected my feelings about him as the great kid he is, it would be an okay ending. I love that kid dearly and want him to have someone to turn to when K is being unreasonable or difficult.

On the brighter side, there appears to be a new man in my life. I know. I’ve known him for quite a while, although we lost touch for several months. We initially made plans to get together for a drink one night. We had a great time and the ability we had always had to have great conversations remained. Since then, we’ve seen each other every weekend. Spending time with him is so easy and uncomplicated. We can have doing the simplest things. I do not have to work hard to be with him. He doesn’t ask anything of me and have a long list of expectations that must be met. He is not controlling and insecure. In fact, he is very secure with who he is, where he’s at in his life, and where he plans on going in the future. He accepts me as I am and that makes me happier than anything.

So, looking at this, it appears there has indeed been lots going on in our little corner of the world. Life just keeps happening, even when I want it to slow down and give me a chance to catch my breath. It’s all good though. I’m calling myself happy these days and not asking for any more than that.

It is what it is


I’m the kind of person that when I make a decision it is pretty much set in stone. I’m also the kind of person that takes a very long time making decisions. I like to look at all sides of the issue, let it run around in my head for a while, and try to see the pros and cons. I need time to process. Someone coming at me and telling me I need to make a decision right now overwhelms me and I just can’t do it.

Which is why, if I tell you I have made up my mind, trust me, my mind is made up. I hate it when people come back to me and question my decisions. Saying things like - Have you considered this? and Are you sure you’ve made the right decision? is one way to seriously irritate me.

For soooooo many years, other people made decisons for me and I stood by whatever they decided. My own opinion didn’t matter; what mattered was that I would stand by them like the good little supportive woman I was expected to be. Christ, I hated that! And looking back now, I wonder just who the hell was that girl with doormat stamped all over her forehead? Where did she come from? Ugh..

That definitely isn’t who I am any longer. Thank God! Becoming a single parent was without a doubt, the hardest thing I have ever had to do. With the benefit of hindsight though, it has also been the thing that has made me the strongest. It’s been a long time now that I’ve been single and I have definitely changed from that meek and mild little girl. Mess with my children and I will seriously hurt you! Try to mess with me and I will explain to you exactly why that is not going to work.

I have learned to stand on my own two feet, fight my own battles, and make my own way. Turning 40 this past year has led to even greater self awareness. I’ve recognized that I really am doing okay, and that the mistakes I’ve made along the way - and there have been so many of those - were all part of the process of growing and changing. I did the best I could with what I knew at the time.

I don’t live life afraid every day now. I used to.

I trust myself now. I didn’t before.

I have faith that whatever comes my way, I will handle it. I didn’t have that before.

I like myself now. I used to wonder what was wrong with me.

I feel blessed. I used to feel cursed.

Life has taught me so many lessons. Some of them were so painful I thought they would kill me. Sometimes I wished they would.

Thank God for the lessons.

It is what it is.

Annoyed…..


Bit of a rant here today, as I’m just feeling pissy in general.

I have a dog.

I also have a house, which I think is good for the dog, as the house comes with a yard. Actually 2 yards. A front one. And a back one.

The front one is big and comes equipped with several trees, bushes, and flowerbeds, and grass.The back yard is very big and consists of, again, trees and grass. There is even side yard on both sides of the house.

I was under the impression these were all good things for dogs. So why, please tell me why, do you insist on CRAPPING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DRIVEWAY?
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Stop playing games with me! For God’s sake, I am 40 years old and you are several years older than that. I know you speak English because we used to have actual conversations that made sense. Please stop trying to read things into what I say. I am SAYING EXACTLY WHAT I MEAN and I AM SPEAKING THE TRUTH. I do know what I want and what I am doing. I am not unclear, confused, hormonal, over emotional, just being a woman, playing games, or trying to mess with your head. END OF DISCUSSION.
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I now know exactly why they call it STUPIDSTORE. Good name.

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How did all the STUPID PEOPLE IN THE WHOLE WORLD GET MY PHONE NUMBER? With all due respect, please LOSE IT!

Tribute


This is Linda.

My daughter was fortunate enough to have her for a teacher 6 years ago. And anyone who ever met her would tell you they are fortunate too. This beautiful young woman with the smile that could light up any room she entered, who loved music and introduced her class to the joy of Bohemian Rhapsody, is one of those teachers who truly was born to do exactly what she was doing. She is exactly the kind of teacher we all hope our kids encounter at least once during their school years.

Her bright shining personality, her obvious joy at doing what she did, her endless affection for “her kids”, her endless patience with the more demanding students, her ability to relate to each and every child in her classroom, and her techniques for making learning fun every day all combined to make her a favourite among the kids. So much so that for many years after they left her classroom, my daughter and her friends would continue to go back and visit with Ms. M.
She adored dogs and I remember her consoling my daughter and taking the time to write her a note when we had to give away our uncontrollable basset hound. Her boyfriend would visit the kids in class and never failed to arrive without a large container of gummy worms. We live in a small community and would run into her on weekends. You would always find her with a smile on her face and with time to stop and say hello. Several years ago, she married the boyfriend and was on her way to her own happily ever after.

Today her funeral was held.

She was 37 years old.

She was diagnosed with leukemia the same year she taught my daughter. For the last several years, she battled this disease with the same smile on her face, the same light glowing from within her, and with grace and dignity. She endured several separate rounds of chemotherapy, went in and out of remission, and recently underwent a bone marrow transplant. Her husband says he never heard her complain once.

Her funeral today was filled to capacity. While there were endless streams of tears, it was also a happy celebration of her life. That’s how she wanted it. Her students performed, fellow teachers recited a poem, and the music was her style. She was remembered as the amazing, talented, positive, beautiful person she was in life. Her husband took the time to speak with my daughter after the service.

She will be remembered in a way that we should all aspire to. It was mentioned that she followed her dreams, reached her goals, lived her life grateful for every minute, loved her family and friends, and would not want anyone to be sad. Rather, she would want everyone to party and celebrate and have a drink for her.

It could truly be the end for any one of us at any time. Linda’s death has made me vow to complain a little less, be a lot more grateful, and to remember to believe in hopes and dreams. I don’t understand why she is gone and how to come to terms with the fact that this shining light has been dimmed, but I am grateful that she will suffer no more. And I am honored that my daughter got to have this special woman in her life. She, and I, are blessed by that, and her death leaves me changed forever.

Rest in peace, Linda. You will never be forgotten and will always be greatly missed.

Because my son says I can.

My son tells me that even the somewhat computer challenged people like me can write a blog, so here I am.

The title of the blog refers to the journey my life has taken up to this point. Like most of us who’ve reached the still-so-young age of 40 - ugh - I have definitely had my share of good times and bad. I’m sure most of them will come out here eventually, but a brief tour of some of the most memorable times would include marriage, kids, divorce, starting over - - some pretty serious physical and mental health issues, family, parenting, dating and adjusting to being a single Mom, and learning that it really is okay to just be who I am. And that who I am is good enough.

Oh, and keeping a sense of humour during all of the above. That has been incredibly important along the way.

A brief rundown of the people you will meet here:

Lola - the world’s coolest dog ever and my faithful - and incredibly hairy- sidekick

Kid 1 - my son. My baby boy who has grown into such a fine young man, and who I couldn’t be prouder of - nope, not possible. This child who has been through so much in his life and has come out the other side a strong fighter. Handsome, funny, intelligent, and independent. He lives far away and some days I ache with missing him. He is so much like me in so many ways, but has so many qualities that just make him such a unique individual. A common saying around here is “Oh, that’s just B being B.” and everyone knows exactly what that means. He never ever fails to make me laugh and he always lets me know he loves his Mom. Does have the occasional moment that makes me wonder what the hell he was thinking.

Kid 2 - my daughter. My precious baby girl who has turned into this amazing young woman. She makes me proud to say I am her Mom every day. The kindest heart you will ever encounter, beautiful, intelligent, and oh so responsible. Lights up any room she walks into and has the most amazing sense of self I’ve ever seen. This baby girl who has been by my side through everything and is so far ahead of where I was at her age. She is on the edge of an exciting new life of her own and my heart hurts at the thought of letting go. Also makes me laugh every day. Does have the occasional moody teenage girl moments.

G&G - my Mom and Dad. Without them I would not be here telling this story - in so many more ways than the obvious one. I hit the jackpot in the parent lottery and hope my kids think I am doing half as good a job as they did. Married for 47 years and still loving each other - wow, what else can I add to that? Have saved my ass on too many occasions to mention. The best support team anyone could ever ask for. Does have the tendency to be overly involved and need to be reminded once in a while that it’s okay to back off.

J- my seriously crazy, hysterically funny, eternally youthful sister. I have more fun with her than just about anyone else on the planet. Even if Mom does love me best.

Those are the major players in my story. And the major reasons why I've gotten this far……..