The Good Things

Although I have been having a tough time lately - and let me tell you, today was a shining example of that - I've been trying to remind myself of the good things that I already have in my life. With a little bit of thought I came up with the following list.

1. My 2 kids are healthy, happy, thriving, and living their lives to the fullest. They are strong, wise, independent, funny, kind, and caring. They love their Mom and are not shy about telling me often. What could be better than that?


2. My family loves me and supports me, no matter what kind of crazy shit I get myself into. My parents practically define unconditional love and are my safe place to seek refuge. My sister never fails to see the bright side of everything and makes me laugh until I cry. My nieces think I'm pretty cool.

3. The people I work with are really a great group of kind and caring people, even though there are days when we drive each other insane and believe we can't stand each other for one more second. They have been sending me emails, calling to offer support, buying me gift certificates, and telling me how much they miss me and want me to get back to work. I'm fortunate.

4. Somehow, I was lucky enough to find the greatest Dr.in the world. This man genuinely cares about me and my well being. He has all the time in the world for me at my appointments, truly wants to know how I am doing and feeling, really "gets" me, and treats me as if I am his own daughter. Appointments always end with a hug from him.

5. If you are not a dog person, you may not get this one. I, however, am a huge dog person and I can't even begin to explain how much comfort and love my little four legged furry person brings to me.

6. I am reasonably healthy and alive. I have beaten the odds and survived an extremely serious health issue that should have killed me. My heart stopped beating 4 different times and yet they were able to bring me back. For whatever reason, God still wanted me here and it was not my time to go. Amen.

7. Somehow, some way, I have met a really amazing great guy in the middle of all of this. It is so comfortable and easy being with him, and we have fun whenever we are together. I can hang out in my sweats and watch hockey with him and it is a great night. He likes me just as I am,calls and texts every day just to say hi, and gives the best hugs in the world. I am a lucky girl indeed. Here's to not screwing that up.

8. I've got a roof over my head, food on my table, and clothes on my back. Some people don't. Enough said.

Choices

I am an avid reader and always have a book or two on the go. I just finished "Souvenir" by Therese Fowler and had to tell you all to rush out and get this book. It's that good. I am amazed by the fact that this is her first book and look forward to seeing what she comes out with next.

Basically, it is a story about the sacrifice and choices one woman made, how they play out in her life, and what happens when she discovers she has the chance to choose differently. I don't cry over books very often but this one had me reaching for the kleenex, and I was sad when it ended. And if you are Canadian, you can see that it is 34% off at Chapters right now. Bonus.

It made me think about some of the choices I have made in my life. Some made out of love, some out of anger, some of desperation, and some made because I simply didn't know what to choose, and therefore the choice was made for me. I sat and wondered which ones I would change if I had the opportunity to go back. And you know, despite all the pain and shit some of my choices brought me, I'm not really sure that I would change a lot. A great deal of good has come out of some of my not so wise choices. Namely, Kid 1 and Kid 2, and seriously, how could you ever want to change that? Even the decisions that I now look back at and think, "What the hell were you thinking, you dumbass?" have changed me, shaped me, and made me the person I have become. I wouldn't be who I am, nor know what I know, if I hadn't gone through those experiences. They have made me wiser, stronger, independent, capable, and more confident in myself. And that can only be a good thing.

Tomorrow, I have appointment number 2 with the counsellor and must say I am actually looking forward to it. Things have been brewing in my brain. I think the meds are kicking in. I'm feeling a little more interested in life. I'm feeling stronger and a little more equipped to start making some new and different.....you know, choices. Wish me luck.

What Brings You Here Today?

Yesterday, I went for my first appointment with the counsellor. It turns out that apparently I have some issues. Who knew? Just kidding, trust me, I know.

Of course the first question is, "So, what brings you here today?" I wanted to say, "Well, the fact that I didn't manage a shower, have the very frightening no makeup thing going on, look like absolute hell, and I'm already searching for the kleenex box and about to sob my way through this entire appointment sort of all adds up to the fact that, um, yeah, I'm not doing so well, ya know?

He was actually very easy to talk to and I felt comfortable with him and able to be open and honest. It is amazing how having someone else point out that maybe what you are thinking is not totally reasonable and that there just may be another way to look at it, can shine some light into your life. Things that right now to me seem like insurmountable obstacles and rock solid roadblocks didn't seem that way to him. The fears and feelings I've been having and have been afraid are going to keep me stuck and unwell forever seemed to him like normal reactions to what has been going on in my life. What seems like the end of the world to me, he described as an opportunity to a new beginning. The things that make me feel like I have no choices were things that he told me I have complete control over. Huh.

It certainly hasn't fixed everything, but I did find myself thinking some different thoughts today and trying to expand the way I've been looking at my life. Where I am at now in my life, this place, this time, and these circumstances, are the most difficult things I have ever had to face. And I have already gone to hell and back more than once. It is different this time, however, in the fact that what I am dealing with hasn't been caused by a man or any other person. There hasn't been huge trauma or chaos. No one has left, died, or done any other terrible thing. Instead what I am dealing with is all me and all the shit that has been stored up inside me for so, so long.

For such a long time now, I have had to be the one in charge. Of the kids, the house, the money, the job, the shopping, the car, the yard, the school, the schedule, the discipline, the problem solving, the crisises that pop up along the way, the day to day shit, etc., etc., etc. I know that every single parent out there reading this is nodding their head and agreeing. Like you, I've thrown my shoulders back and just gotten on with it. Because really, what other choice do we have?

But now, I'm tired...so, so frigging tired, worn out, worn down, overwhelmed, burnt out, fed up, exhausted, scared, sad, angry, and any other word you can think of. It's been 13 years with no help or useful input from their Dad (key word - useful), of putting on that happy face, of carrying on, of trying to move forward, of pretending that no, really I'm okay, of refusing help because I can do it all by myself, of sleepless nights, of endless uncertainty and worry, of anxiety and worry that drains every ounce of life right out of me, of broken dreams.

Single parenting is the absolute hardest job on earth and I defy anyone to argue that.

So, you know what? No, I'm not okay. No, I can't keep doing what I've been doing because it just isn't working for me anymore. No, I'm not up to pretending anymore. No, I can't continue to carry the load because it is crushing the fucking life right out of me.

But what is okay is the fact that I've admitted it and begun the steps that I need to take to get better. It's not going to be fixed in a day, I know that. But today, for the first time in a long time, I found hope that it can be fixed. And hope, my friends, is a beautiful thing.


And I just gotta say - my boyfriend won American Idol tonight!!

Some Good News

My Dad has been having lots of health issues lately. He had a heart attack 2 years ago which led to all sorts of other problems. He's worked hard to get himself back to where he is able to do some of the things he used to, but he has to be careful not to overdo it and know when he has reached his limits. He has diabetes which he is able to manage by watching his diet - well, actually my Mom watches his diet. He suffers from wicked battles with gout, which has to be one of the most painful things ever. He has some arthritis which bothers him on occasion. Recently, he got this terrible pain in his lower back and is having trouble walking, sitting, getting up out of a chair, and basically just moving around. His Dr. told him it was a pinched nerve and there was nothing they could do for it. Supposedly it would go away on its' own eventually. Not much comfort in that. So, it has been a couple months now and there has been no improvement. If anything it has gotten worse.

I should add that I am very close to my Dad. He is truly my hero. And yes, I am the baby of the family and definitely Daddy's little girl even now. My Dad has been there for me through absolutely everything I have gone through. (As has my Mom) I remember phoning him the night my husband walked out the door and being completely hysterical. He was on a plane the next morning and at my door by lunchtime. My Mom followed a couple days later when it became very clear that I was not coping, at all. They have saved me, literally, on many, many occasions. My Mom shakes her head at the both of us all the time, saying is there any way you could be anymore like your father? We think the same, get pissed off at the same things, have the same opinions and beliefs, and we even look alike. I remember my Grandmother sitting with me, holding my hands and telling me that my hands were exactly like his. I am definitely his daughter and oh, so proud of it.

Needless to say, it has been incredibly difficult to watch my Dad in pain. He never wants to worry me, but I know it has been difficult for him. My Grandfather used to get up out of a chair and you could tell it was incredibly painful. He would hold his back a certain way as he was getting up and the first few steps obviously hurt. My Dad looks exactly the same now. It's hard to watch him getting older, and I am in denial that one day he will no longer be here. I can't imagine my life without him. Without his smile and teasing manner, watching the tremendous pride he has in his grandchildren, the love he has for my Mom, his generosity and willingness to help any of his kids in any way he can, and his knowledge and wisdom. I think I am still looking for the man who measures up to my Dad. The day I find him will be a lucky day for me, indeed.

So, last week the Dr. sent him for a catscan to check out his back. I have been a mess waiting for the results. All I could think of was, "Oh my God, he has cancer." It is amazing how we can think ourselves crazy, without any facts at all. Or is that just me that does that? Today he went to hear the results and I went a little bit over the edge every time the phone rang. My Mom finally called tonight and told me they found nothing seriously wrong on the scan. It turns out he has arthritis in his back, just like his own father, and while that isn't the greatest news because they can't really do anything for it, it certainly is 100% better than what the news could have been.

So, some good news. And today I am so grateful for that.

Love ya Dad.

Lost, Whacked,and Numb

Damn, these new meds are kicking my ass, people!

If I'm not sleeping, which at this point is pretty rare, or laying down cause I'm just too tired to move, which is most of the time, I'm wandering around in a fog trying to remember what the hell I'm doing. I hate this feeling! Exhausted, medicated, and zoned out. People ask me if I'm feeling better, and I have no fricking clue. I know that a few weeks ago I was at the Dr. begging and pleading for drugs to help me cope, help me stop crying, and get me through the days. He gave me one drug and I was so stoned that I lost the power to form coherent sentences and make any sense at all. Seriously, I was whacked, flying, and loopy as hell. I stopped taking that one pretty quick. What he has me on now doesn't make me feel high, but I'm numb.

I was sitting here today looking outside at a beautiful day and it was like part of me was thinking - "Wow, it's a nice day out." and another part of me just couldn't see it for the fog. I keep reminding myself that I need to make decisions, take care of my house, make sure my daughter is okay - which she is, don't worry - and actually accomplish something other than moving from my bed to the couch each day.

I got a call today from a counsellor that I have been waiting to get into and tomorrow I go see my Dr. My mom tells me I am doing all the right things, but it feels like I'm just doing a whole lot of nothing. Ugh. Someone told me that it's okay to be like this right now. My body and my brain are healing and maybe being numb from some of my thoughts and feelings is a good thing for now. Possibly.

So, tonight I decided to change my blog up a bit. It's pretty yellow, but it feels bright and cheery to me, something that is sorely lacking in my life right now. Stick with me; this can't last forever.

I Forgot

Tonight, I had a date with G.


No, let's change that. Tonight, I had a great date with G.


Can I just say that it's been a really long time and that I forgot?


Forgot how completely awesome it can be?


Forgot that there is no other feeling like it?


Forgot how much it can mean?


Forgot how much I miss it?


And no, I'm not talking about that, people. Get your minds out of the gutter. My son reads this blog, for crying out loud!


I'm talking about this.........

That feeling of a great hug right when you need it.


The happiness of just being together.

That feeling you get when you talk to someone, and they just get you.


You know, that feeling.


I forgot...........

Now, I remember.

Thanks G.

P.S. Go hug someone. You'll feel better.

Spring Makes Me Happy

The sun came out and shined down on us today, my garden is about to present me with glorious tulips and lilies, my lilacs are ready to burst into bloom, kids are riding their bikes and playing outside after supper, and I need to cut my grass.




I'm going to be terribly optimistic and go out on a limb here - seeing that it is only MAY THE 8TH!!! - and am stating emphatically that spring is here. At last!


I felt really good today. I had a good day today. I smiled today. Today didn't suck. I know, right?


My Dad told me I look "a hell of a lot better than the last time I saw you." In a loving way. I love my Dad. Hi Dad! He checked out my lawn mower today, I guess to make sure it survived the winter. I'm not sure how much trouble it could have gotten in to, you know, just sitting in the shed all winter. He's just doing his Dad thing, I guess, or most likely, he wanted to remind me that, you know, I need to cut my grass, and I have a lawnmower that would assist me in doing that right away, before the neighbors start to talk. Getting right on it Dad!



So, in honor of today not totally sucking, I thought I'd share with you a couple of the other things that made me smile today.



This is Lola, my faithful sidekick.







She's much nicer than she looks in this picture.





These are some of her friends.




It was much harder to get Lola to sit still for this picture than it was the donkey.




We spent the day today enjoying spring.


Lola's always happy to just hang out with me.

If you're not a dog lover, I apologize. Cut me some slack people. I actually smiled today!

Making Room For Sanity

Today I'm giving you a list of random things running through my head. Aren't you lucky?

Mainly because there are so many fricking things moving around in there at the speed of light that I can't decide how to pick just one to post about. I'm thinking that by writing about them and getting them out of my head, I might just make room for something like, I don't know.......sanity? That would be nice.

1. Swooning. Yep, I used the word swooning 'cause I really like that word and honestly, how often do you get to use it? And what am I swooning about? The incredibly kind, wonderful, thoughtful, compassionate, and completely, totally, really nice women from the blogging world who have taken the time to leave me comments. Oh, and I should add, soooooo much more talented than me. I started this blog just because my son told me I should, and I guess because I have always liked to write and get the shit out of my head. Never, EVER, in a million years did I think anyone would ACTUALLY READ it. (I might have tried harder if I knew that!) My last post was on how depression had come back to fuck up my life - again- and these women took the time out of their lives to say- Hey, hang in there, I know how you feel, I've been there too, and this is what helped me. I want to send them a huge thank you and tell them they brought a ray of sunshine into my somewhat cloudy these days life. If I was better at this, I'd link to them so you could all go and read their blogs. However, I am not that talented and at this point too lazy to figure it out, so I'm telling you all to go read my comments so you can find out who they are. They're fantastic and I'm swooning over them.


2. Taylor Swift. Okay, this girl is what ...17? 18? And her life is going places big time. She's absolutely gorgeous. Talented. And young...did I mention young? My daughter has been listening to her and this one song is completely stuck in my head. This is the chorus:

Hold on, baby, you're losing it

The water's high, you're jumping into it

And letting go...and no one knows

You cry, but you don't tell anyone

That you might not be the golden one

And you're tied together with a smile

But you're coming undone.

This may be designated as my new theme song, people. How does a girl like that get into the heart and mind of a 40 year old woman and say it just exactly right? I love the power of music and how certain songs just seem to jump out at you in different times of your life.

3. Fixing Everything At Once. Why is it that when I feel shitty about myself and my life, I suddenly decide that absolutely everything - and I mean EVERY SINGLE THING - about my life sucks and I MUST change each and every area until I meet these fucked up self imposed expectations and standards of mine. That was a very long sentence. Why can't I be gentle and kind to myself like I would to a friend who was in the same down and out spot? Why isn't just being me good enough for me? Why do I feel the need to change my hair drastically, redecorate or rearrange my entire house, review and criticize my mothering for the last 20 years, lose 30 pounds by tomorrow, go back to school and get a degree, make 12 new friends, second guess every decision I have made since high school, grieve the fact that I am fricking 40!, join a group, get a hobby, get a life for fuck's sake! Another long sentence. It gets so overwhelming that just thinking about all the things I should be doing takes me all day long and exhausts me. Deep down, I know that these "things" aren't the real problem and aren't going to bring me happiness. Getting right with myself is. That's a list all of its' own.

4. On The Upside. A while back I mentioned that I was actually dating, much to my own surprise. Well, even bigger surprise, I seem to still be dating the same man two and a half months later. I know, right? Not questioning it, not analyzing it, not nothing it. Just accepting that he can make me smile, even now. It's a good thing, as Martha would say.

5. I think the meds are helping.

My Old Friend

"Hello darkness, my old friend,

I've come to talk with you again,

Because a vision softly creeping,

Left its seeds while I was sleeping,

And the vision that was planted in my brain,

Still remains

Within the sound of silence."

Simon & Garfunkel

Yep, he's back.

My old friend.

The friend I wish I had never met.

The friend I wish would forget about me and never want to see me again.

I can always tell when this friend has arrived.

The sun doesn't shine quite as bright.

The sights and sounds around me are hazy and muffled.

The joy goes out of my soul.

I become numb to everyone and everything in my life.

I long for sleep, sleep, and more sleep.

I just want to be left alone.

The dark cloud hovers and the feeling of doom persists.

He snuck up on me this time; didn't see him coming at all.

But, yes, my old friend is back.

He's not welcome to stay long and his prescence irritates the shit out of me.

He brings me both to tears and to my knees.

He confuses me, saddens me, causes me anguish and pain, and I hate his fucking guts.

My old friend.......

Depression.