Jealous......Or Not?

Tomorrow is the last day of work for one of my co-workers. Let's call her V. I've worked with her for about 2 years now, and for the most part, we have gotten along and worked together well. She is moving on to a brand new life, and I am so happy for her. I think. Or maybe not. I really can't decide.

The background:

Our situations were somewhat similar and that was one of the things that we had in common. We are both single Moms of teenagers. We both went through bad marriages and breakups, and had ugly divorce stories to tell. Our kids know a lot of the same kids. We agree that it can really suck to be a single woman in a small town. I'd been single for a lot longer than her and think I was far more okay with it than she was. She is a couple years older than me, has a fit body and shows it off well - tastefully, attractive blonde, and always made up perfectly. She seemed to be terrified of ending up alone and badly wanted to meet another man and be in a relationship. I tried to tell her that that was not the answer and she needed to learn to be okay with herself first. But it didn't matter because by then she had met a man. And I think I was having a hard time sounding convincing.

She went to visit some friends in a city about 800 miles away one weekend, and they met and began a long distance relationship. She flew there, he came out here, they spent their vacation time together, met the families, the whole deal. They have managed to make it work successfully for almost 2 years now. He seems like a good guy and treats her very well. I know he makes her happy.

One of the differences between us is that she had gotten a great deal of money in her divorce. I did not. I've watched how the money has helped her and given her a freedom that I have never experienced. The cost of plane tickets was not an issue. Neither was a trip to a winter hot spot. Nor the cost of hotel rooms, dining out, event tickets, weekends in Vegas, new vehicles, etc. Say what you will about how money is not everything and is not what really brings us happiness. I see how it brought her freedom and eliminated a lot of stress and gave her a chance to live a lifestyle that, yeah, I admit it, I'd be pretty okay with.

6 months or so ago, she told us at work that she had bought land in this other city and construction was beginning on her new house. Since then, it has been a flurry of phone calls and faxes with contractors and tradesmen, talks with designers and online shopping, and all the other details that go along with planning a move. She doesn't bring it up a lot and I think she is uncomfortable with everyone knowing just how much money she is spending, but will answer if we ask her how things are coming along.

Now, the house is ready. Tomorrow is her last day of work and this weekend, she is packing up her truck and driving off to a brand new life. That includes the man she so badly wanted. So why wouldn't I be happy for her? A touch of jealousy perhaps? Envious of the fact that if I had the chance to pick up my life and begin again somewhere new, I'd be gone before you could say goodbye? In a heartbeat. Frustrated that she is getting to do exactly what I would do - get the hell out of this small town? Pissed at how it has all come together for her, and not for me? I suppose I wouldn't be human and I would probably be lying if I said there wasn't a teeny tiny part of me that feels that way.

But that's not it, really. As I said, we are both single moms of teenage kids. Our kids are roughly the same age. I have made a promise to Kid 2 that I would not move her from this town that she knows as home. She will graduate here with the same friends she has known since she was little. Her grandparents have been able to watch her grow up. I know this was a choice that I made and I believe I made it for the right reasons. I promised her this because I moved around a lot as a kid and I know what it's like to always be the new girl. To miss your old friends. To have to try to see where you fit in. I wanted her to know that stability was there and she could feel secure. To be able to make those friends that you will have known since you were all kids. There have been a million times I have wanted to break this promise. Days when I thought I would pull my hair out with wanting to pick up and move. Get out of this town. Times when I said to myself that I was the adult and I made the rules and the decisions, and if I wanted to move then shit, we were going to move. But I've never gone back on my promise. I know how much it means to Kid 2. I figure this is my job and my time will come.

But V? She's not waiting. Her time is now and she is grabbing onto it with both hands. Her kids are going to stay here with their Dad so they can finish school (another 1 and 2 years) and they are welcome to come out and live with her when they are done. They will visit and see each other often I'm sure. But.......she's leaving her kids. There is a voice inside me saying how can you leave your kids? To me, it feels like she is being extremely selfish and putting herself before her kids. Me? I put everybody and their dog in front of me. To me, being a Mom means you signed on for the ride and the responsibilities that come along with it. It's not a job you can hand your notice in for. You can't just quit. Who's going to replace you? It just feels wrong to me.

Am I wrong? Should I be cheering her on for knowing what she wants and just flat out going for it? Saying well he's the Dad, it's his job to look after them too; it's not like she's abandoning them on the side of the road like an unwanted litter of puppies? Proud of a strong independent woman? Pleased to see someone making their dreams come true? If I stopped being such a martyr and putting myself last all the time, would I be a happier person? Lord knows, I am not judging her. We all have the opportunity to make choices every day, and do the best we can. Her situation has made me stop and think about a lot of things, including asking myself if I am doing my absolute best to make the most out of my life, or just complaining that I have no choice?

I don't know. What do you think?

A Week In The Life

It's been a while since I've posted.

I've been thinking about it.

I've been quizzing Kid 2 for her biology final. I've been cutting the grass and thinking that someone should really pull those weeds. I've been cursing frequently and loudly at the mosquitos. I am praying hard for my ferns to pull through whatever disease they have contracted.

I've stripped the poor dog of all her dignity and just about every piece of fur on her body in the "I'm just gonna give her a trim, clippers gone wild" episode that we don't need to talk about because I have to look at the poor damn dog every day and God, yes, I feel bad about it, okay? I'm sorry, already.

Once again, for the third time in a row, I bought the wrong size frame for the stupid print that I loved when I bought it, but now is an irritating reminder of my total tendency to hyperventilate when anything requiring me to participate in some sort of home renovation project comes up. And yes, in my world, framing and hanging a print takes about 3 1/2 months and is considered a project. Now I have to go return the frame, for the third time in a row.

I have tried to do laundry. Several times. It appears that the only time my machines are free for me to use is between the hours of 3-5 A.M. Otherwise they are in one stage or another of use by Kid 2. I am now completely out of towels and underwear.

I've walked around my house and looked at the cobwebs and dust. I haven't actually cleaned or anything cause that would be like work, but I have made note.

I thought it would be a good idea to get some sun. You know, relax, hang out in the backyard,
feel the sun on my face, get a little color, sip a cold beverage. Uh-huh, yeah. Not so much. You know why? Because apparently that thing called the ozone layer? It no longer exists! And that blazing sun is well.....really fucking blazing hot and will fucking blazing burn the crap out of your fucking skin. Burn it like Ronald McDonald shoe red. Like Oh my God, I am such an idiot shade of red. Yeah,.... and it hurts.

I've somehow changed the setting on my shower head from a nice relaxing spray that I enjoyed oh so much to this one single stream of water shooting at you like a fire hose so that you need to hang on to stay upright. And rinsing your hair out is like having a jackhammer pounding on your scalp. My whole head vibrates. So for whatever reason, now I can't get it back to the original setting. The thing will not move. Note to self: pick up new shower head when exchanging frames, for the third time in a row.

On the bright, shiny, happy side of my life, G. and I have spent several amazing weekends together. He makes me happy. He gives fabulous hugs and excuse me, but the man can kiss! Lord! Sorry B. He wants to do things for me. This weekend, he cut my grass, fixed my front door and my bedroom door, made note of a few other things around here that could use fixing, took me, my daughter, and her best friend out for dinner, and just generally fit right in. This relationship feels good. For the first time in a long time, maybe ever now that I really think about it, it's enough to just be me. No different, he likes me just as I am, numerous faults and all. Half the time I'm happy, and the other half I am scared to death. To death, people.

And that's the highlights of a week in my life. And this is why I blog. To share with you all how fascinating my life is and make you wish you really knew me. You know, so you could see what an idiot I am. Seriously.

Ok, NOW I can die happy

There is one thing I have always wanted to do. Longed for. Dreamed of. Craved. My daughter will tell you that I always say it is the one thing I am going to do before I die.

It may not be everyone's taste.That's okay, because I have enough love for at least 338 of you non believers. And it's not like it's my only dream in the world. I do have others. I swear I am really not this shallow.

This thing that I want to do though, it involves a man I have known and loved for many many years. He is incredibly rich, much older than me, not so much on the looks, chubby, not so much on the sexy, and is gay. Obviously, we have nothing in common.

This man accompanied me on numerous sunny afternoons, hanging out at the beach, driving with that sense of absolute freedom and bliss a teenager gains when they are handed their driver's license. He reminds me of friends, good times,and being young. The memories that flood me make me smile laugh, and remember that time in my life.



And on the flip side of that, he was, and is again, one of my constant companions in the darker times. Repeatedly, he is the one I reach for when times are tough. His words just make me feel better. Sometimes they make me, or maybe they help me, just cry it all out. I can't count the number of hours spent doing absolutely nothing but listening to him over and over. Pondering over the very apparent fact that my entire world had exploded in one huge dream ending BOOM, sending me completely unequipped for this strange and completely overwhelming world I found myself inhabitating.

He was a very special guest at my wedding a million years ago. An honored guest. My first dance as a married woman was to his words. Beautiful, sweet, loving, promising words that I knew with all my heart to be true. Sadly, they weren't. Not for the long term anyway. It was the first time he had ever let me down. And I was seriously bummed.



I washed my hands of him then. Put all his words away. Decided that would be the end of me hanging out with him. Until then, all of my memories associated with him had been positive ones. Now, hearing his words made me feel like I was being gutted and destroyed all over again. They caused me nothing but pain and sadness. I avoided him for several years after that.

Until one day, I was sitting with a friend, having drinks and discussing life in general. The topic turned to music and we started talking about songs that instantly bring back a time, a place, a memory. There were so many. For me the list was a mix of a little bit of everything. Creedence, The Doors, Hootie and The Blowfish, Collective Soul, Tim McGraw, The Dixie Chicks, AC/DC, Def Leppard, George Strait, Kenny G., Garth Brooks, Sarah McLachlan, Aerosmith, Alanis, Billy Idol, Elvis Presley, Melissa Etheridge, Josh Groban, Keith Urban......all of these, and more, immediately brought vivid memories back in a flash. I could feel the moment like they had happened yesterday.



The CD's were brought out and eventually there they were again, right in front of me - his words. I'd actually sort of forgotten him. But I insisted I didn't want to listen to his words right then. Couldn't handle it. The friend that was with me knew about my wedding, and subsequent divorce, and knew why I didn't want to hear it. Fortunately, this friend also knew it was time for me to hear it again, if only to prove that I could indeed handle it and show me how very far I had come. So, we poured more drinks and turned it up loud and I prepared myself for the emotional meltdown that was sure to come.

Except it didn't happen. I suddenly realized that while these words were the same as they'd ever been, and were in fact the same ones that a few years earlier has made me sob uncontrollably, and that caused them to be labelled with the category "bad memories- avoid", the words were the same, but I was not. I was not the same person I had been back then. I was not in the same place. I had moved on, moved forward and tried to make the best out it that I could - sometimes messing up really, really, incredibly badly. While I can't lie and say that hearing his words didn't make my heart clench, my stomach twinge, and my eyes twitch temporarily, it was okay. The good memories associated with him started to come back too. Reminding me of how many crazy good times I had when I was younger and life was a lot less complicated and difficult, and not just such a damn hard struggle every day, as a so called grownup.

So, we became friends once more. Slowly but surely, he grew on me again. Hearing his words is different now that I'm older, have some life experience under my belt, and have numerous battle scars from all the times that life and I have butted heads. I'm smarter, wiser, more jaded, in a totally new and different stage of my life, much more cautious and careful, less trusting and open. But hearing his words and just being able to enjoy them, like I used to, makes me happy. And now, we have become very good friends again.

Who is this man? What words is she talking about? She's not making sense.


Here he is...... in several pictures cause I couldn't pick just one.












Wait for it.........AND HE IS COMING TO MY CITY AND I GOT TICKETS AND I AM SO EXCITED AND NOW I CAN DIE HAPPY!!

My Boy

I'm putting a link here so you can read my son's post- www.heyoverhere.net from June 12/08 titled Life. First though, I thought I should give you a little bit of background. This is my oldest, my son, posting about his life and the changes that have come about for him over the past year or so. For about 3 years in high school, he was dating a girl we'll call C. My son and I live 800 miles apart, so I had heard all about C. by the time I actually got to meet her. And let me tell you, this boy was IN LOVE! He was in love, happy, and pretty much always cheerful. His feet did not touch the ground for many months. As the parent, I spent hours and hours listening to my son talk about C., their relationship, the fun they had together, and the plans they were looking at in the future. There were also many other calls from him that included an ever growing list of things that kind of maybe just bug me about her, Mom. Things like we're fighting again, I don't want to talk about it, Mom. Things like, Stop asking me questions! Can't you just leave it alone? God!! Anyone with teenagers will agree that this last stage can move very quickly and have arrived before you even know what hit you.

So,the relationship started becoming a big source of stress. I saw my boy so unhappy and angry and snarky all the time. He was drained after phone calls from her. The texting between them was fast and furious, and often pretty hurtful I think. They played the on and off game for a while, the let's stay friends even if it kills us, the we will pretend no one notices anything different about us, the let's live in denial forever stage.

It was very very hard on him when his heart got broken. My boy was completely down and out and waving the white flag of surrender. He did the walking wounded thing for a long time. There were many many calls to Mom, some with tears, some with anger, and also the occasionally instantly identifying sound of his laughter or his smart ass mouth. I listened and talked with him, as what he mostly seemed to need was to get it all out and just vent. Tried as much as possible to just keep my mouth shut. As anyone who knows me will tell you that the chances of me keeping my mouth shut are between slim and none. This young girl had lied to him, took his heart out and stomped on it not once, or twice, but repeatedly, kept coming around and getting his hopes up, made it almost impossible for him to move on. The roaring Mother in me wanted to come out spitting and scratching and keep this girl away from my son. I did ask my son if he thought this was what real love felt like, if he would treat someone who was supposed to be the most important part of his life in this manner, whether he thought he deserved this kind of treatment, and was this girl who was fighting and being nasty with him really what he wanted to live with for the rest of his life? I told him that I thought he deserved so much better, that they both needed to stay away from each other and stop making each other crazy, that he needed to rejoin the world of the living. and that I loved him and would always be here for him when he needed to talk. Told you, I couldn't remain quiet! That's actually very few words from me - I do tend to be one of those dramatic moms who go on and on. I can see my daughter rolling her eyes now. Hi, Kid 2!

This went on for quite a while. Like we all do, he kept repeating the same mistakes we all do at the end of a relationship, the buying into it because you want it to be true so friggin' bad , the hooking up randomly which clouds your brain even further, and the terrible horrible sadness that just won't go away.

So, reading this post that he wrote last week made me sit up a little bit straighter, heave a bit of a sigh of relief, and smile softly to myself. His writing is so him - a little profane, so my apologies in advance - but seeing how he has grown and matured and come to terms with the way things are right now in his life did my heart good. He is moving on, head up high in the direction of new adventures , with a good attitude and outlook, a little banged and bruised and battered from the reality life throws our way when we have magically become adults. He's out there struggling and trying to make sense of the way the world works, doing his best and working his ass off for a job he loves. Just like the rest of us.

Welcome to the world, my baby boy! I love you and am proud of you.

We Are All The Same

I read a lot of blogs. I like to check in every day and see what is happening in these people's lives. They entertain me, make me think, cause me to laugh out loud, and sometimes make me sad. It doesn't matter where they live because I think we are all just here living the human experience; doing the best we can with what gets thrown at us. And somehow, being a woman and a Mom is just a universal bonding thing. When I read posts about something their toddlers have done, I think back to my own kids at that age and it usually makes me smile. When I read about the difficulties and issues they are having with their teenagers, I can nod my head in understanding and share their bewilderment and frustration. When I read about someone going through a break up or divorce, my heart clenches in sympathy and I just want to reach out and tell them that they will get through it. When someone writes a post about something stupid their husband or partner did, I can only agree because, well, that's just how men are.

I can relate to what most of these women are going through, and knowing that there are so many people out there, that just like me, are struggling and hoping and doing their best makes me feel less alone. There are days when none of us want to get out of bed, when we are ready to strangle the children, when we feel like handing in our motherhood license and saying I quit, when the job, the boss, the house, the kids, the cooking, the cleaning, the husband, the friends and family, the sports, all just become too much. Unless you have totally checked out of life, these things affect all of us. And sometimes, just reading someone else's take on a situation is enough to make us think - Okay, maybe I can get through this.

I hope that my blog represents who I really am. I don't have it all together - does anyone, really? I'm highly unorganized. I am the worst - or best - procrastinator in the world. I'm moody, impatient, stressed out a lot of the time, struggling with where my life is going, and usually extremely annoyed that I haven't figured it all out yet. You can find me in a tshirt and pyjama pants most of the time. I hate talking on the phone. Sometimes I am a crappy friend. I've yelled at my kids a hundred times or so. I don't walk the dog as often as I should. And sadly, I am addicted to reality tv.

But I'm also funny as hell. Add a little Smirnoff and I am the life of the party. I'm a great listener. I adore my kids beyond reason. I do my job very well and think my clients always feel like I care. I'm nice - people always say, "Oh that Lynn, she's such a nice person." Which for some reason irritates me, but I suppose they could be saying worse things. I have good morals and ethics. I believe there is a God up there watching over me. I have a good heart and good intentions. I'm learning to be a better person every day.

Most of all, I'm real. I've become pretty comfortable with who Lynn is and what she is all about most of the time. I know that I am doing the best I can with what I've been given. I count my blessings for all that I do have and try to focus less on what I don't have. I hope that all of this comes across when you read what I have put down here, and that I sound authentic and genuine, cause that's who I really am.

Struggling, human, imperfect, and doing the best we can. Really, aren't we all the same?

Believe

I've been trying to write this post for 2 days now and I keep deleting it. What I wanted to write about was my weekend with G. What a great time we had, even though we didn't really do anything special. We relaxed and watched movies, talked about how our weeks had been, and just spent time being together. I am not a high maintenance girl and do not need to be wined and dined. Spending a quiet weekend at home together is just fine for me.

We have been dating for about 4 months now. We have agreed that while this has been unexpected for both of us, we are pretty happy with the direction things are heading. It was supposed to be 2 old friends who had been out of touch for a while meeting for a drink and catching up. I've always had a huge attraction to G. and even when he was out of my life for a while, I always thought of him. Conversation between us is effortless.When he made contact with me and suggested a drink, I was just looking forward to catching up on what was new in his life and bitching and moaning to him about my latest dating disaster. We met at the bar and he gave me a huge hug, told me I looked great, and how happy he was to see me again. We sat at a quiet table in the back and talked for over 3 hours. It just felt easy and comfortable and right.

Since then we have spent every weekend together. I look after his dog when he is on the road. He has met my daughter. I've cooked for him and he for me. We've had endless hours of conversation. We've discovered our similarities and our differences. We seem to be a good match.

So, why was it so hard for me to get this post out? Honestly, I think it's because I have this fear that if I acknowledge something good is happening in my life, the hands of fate are gonna swoop down and take it away from me. I am the person always waiting for the other shoe to drop, for the black cloud to open up and rain down on me. Having this man in my life is good, and I'm afraid to sit back and relax and enjoy it in case it disappears. It is incredibly hard to be vulnerable and put myself in a situation where I know I could get my heart broken. Again.

I want to learn to live in the present moment and just take it all in. I've realized that I let my fears force me to live in the past or to worry about the future. Living in the here and now and just accepting and being happy with what is have never been my strong suit. I worry too much. I am always looking for hidden motives.I don't want to become weak and depend on a man. I want to remain me and remember all the lessons I have had to learn.

None of this is to say that G. is trying to take away any of that from me. He's not. He likes my independence. He reassures me when I am worrying. He is always happy and available to sit down and hash things out with me. He does nice things for me on a regular basis. Tells me he wants to see me, texts and calls when he's out on the road, and remembers to ask about things I have told him are going on in my life.

It's just me. I am happy in this relationship and just want to believe in it. Believe that I deserve some happiness and that not all men set out to hurt you. Believe that it actually is possible that maybe my time has come and a good man has walked into my life. And to believe that it is okay to just sit back, relax, and enjoy. Live my life in the now.

Filling In The Blanks

I'm stealing this one from Kori at See Kori Rant 'cause I've got nothing today. No disasters to write about, no emotional meltdowns, didn't win the lottery, although the Red Wings won the Cup which made me smile.... a lot. It also means I won $5 from my Dad.


My ex.... without him I wouldn't have my kids. That's the nice answer that I always try to give. We have made a sort of awkward and uneasy peace over the years which is good. Life is too short to spend all your energy hating someone. Honestly though, what he did to his kids and our family makes him totally undeserving of any polite comments from me at all.

Maybe I Should.... realize that people want to and are willing to help me, and that I don't have to do it all myself. Smile, say thank you, and be grateful. It doesn't make me weak.

People Would Say.... that they are surprised at what I've survived. My kids would say that I have a wicked temper and don't piss her off!

I Don't Understand.... why I always thought life was fair. Did I grow up in a bubble? I was lucky enough to have a great childhood where things pretty much just always worked out for me. Learning that life is not fair and sometimes it genuinely sucks was the hardest thing I ever had to learn. I've worked really hard to ensure that my kids learned this so it wouldn't smack them upside the head like it did me.

When I Wake Up In The Morning.... I need coffee and a cigarette before I can function. Please don't talk to me before then, as you will annoy and irritate the hell out of me. Thank you.

I Lost.... many nights sleep over my teenage son's antics. That boy owes me about 5 years of nightmare free, uninterrupted, stress free nights of restoring, healing sleep, I figure. I hope his future children have colic.

Life Is Full Of.... my first thought was to say it's full of bullshit all the time, but I'll go in a happier direction and say that life is truly about making memories and holding them close to your heart. It is also full of opportunities if we are looking and paying attention.

My Past Is.... what made me the person I am today. It has been painful, scary, difficult, confusing, guilt inducing, sad, and while I can't say I enjoyed a lot of the experiences and situations that came my way, I have truly grown and changed and learned a whole lot more about me. Not all bad.

I Get Annoyed When.... there isn't enough space here to list all of the things that annoy me. I am annoyed a lot. Bad customer service, stupid drivers, people who don't do things when I think they should be done, shrieking, screaming out of control children, 40ish men who still think they are 17, being interrupted, not feeling heard, the fact that laundry and grocery shopping need to be done over and over, being made to wait, people who don't mind their own business and feel they have the right to know all of mine, my daughter walking away and slamming her bedroom door, the price of gas......you name it and it will probably annoy me. Don't I sound lovely?

Parties Are.... best when they are spontaneous and unplanned. And I can sit in a lawnchair and drink Smirnoff Ice. God, I sound like a hillbilly.

I Wish.... I would remember to be grateful for what I do have, instead of bitching about what I don't. I also wish it was me that Matthew McConnaughey knocked up.

Dogs.... my most favorite beings in the world, much more than many 2 legged creatures I know. There is nothing like the love of a dog. My name is Lynn and I am a dogaholic.

Cats.... would be better if they came without claws and didn't need a litter box. And they didn't get burdened with names like Fluffy and Tabby and Mimi.

Tomorrow.... is one day closer to G. getting home and me having a smoking hot date with him. Cause you know, it's been a week. I miss him. (Note to self - future post about how fabulous things are going with this man and I.)

I Have A Low Tolerance for.... Liars. Big lies, little lies, white lies....hate it, hate it, hate it.

If I Had A Million Dollars.... I'd be sitting and crying with Kori. Then I'd run to my parents and throw wads and wads of cash at them in a pitiful attempt to repay them for all they have done for me. I'd also park my ass on a beach for a good long while and drink a lot of fruity drinks with umbrellas.

I'm Totally Terrified.... of snakes. There is absolutely nothing good in the world to say about them. They make my skin crawl and have been my biggest phobia ever since I was a kid. I'm not telling Him what to do or anything, but I'm pretty sure that God make an error when he came up with them. I'm just saying.

Hanging Onto Me

I've been a single parent for a loooong time now. Almost 14 years. There was a live in relationship for a few of those years, but other than that, it has just been me, on my own. My kids were 3 and 6 when their Dad left. This summer they will be 17 and 20. I was 26 years old then; I turned 40 this past winter. Holy shit! Unbelievable.

I went through the typical stages. I did the "I hate every man on the planet" stage, the "I'm never gonna meet anyone" stage, the "I'm gonna be alone forever" stage, the "fuck you, I don't need anyone, thank you very much" stage, the "okay, this is the way life is gonna be" stage, and most recently, have arrived at the "It would be nice to meet someone, but I'm okay on my own" stage.

It took me a long time to start dating again. It has really only been in the last couple of years that I have actively put myself out there. I became the Queen of first dates, because I know what I want in a man and anything that didn't line up with my expectations made me write him off immediately. I figured that the men that had been in my life had sent me on the fast track to hell, and hey, who wants to sign up for the repeat tour? Not me. There was one guy that I recently dated for a few months that I actually saw some possibilities in. He loved me, he said, wanted a future with me, was a single Dad with a truly great kid, treated me like a princess, and pretty much said he would do whatever it took to make me happy. Wow, right? What's not to like?

Except....

There was something. Something I just couldn't put my finger on. Something I couldn't put into words. It wasn't happening for me. It wasn't magic. Some might say my expectations are too high. Some might say I'm too picky, or I'm searching for something that just doesn't exist. But I knew in my heart that I could not see myself spending the rest of my life with this man. And things started to go bad. He could feel me withdrawing and endlessly questioned me. He needed to talk to me numerous times every day, and if he didn't, it was a huge problem. He had to see me every single weekend or he was pissed off. He wanted to spend every single moment together. He just wanted all of me, all the time. And it was too much.I felt like I was slowly being suffocated and the life was being drained out of me. He wanted, needed, and deserved more than I could give him. I was not the girl he needed. Anyone who has been through a divorce knows that there are walls you put up around yourself and trusting and being vulnerable becomes very difficult. I just wasn't prepared, or capable, of letting it all go and just being stripped naked and laid bare - right down to my soul - for this man. It made me feel that in order to be with him and make him happy, I would have to give up me. It shocked the hell out of me. Here was an opportunity that had been 14 years coming, an opportunity I always thought I would jump all over if it presented itself in my lifetime, a chance to share the burdens and have a shoulder to lean on. But I have worked damn hard for the independence and strength and sense of self that I've developed. Giving that up for a man was just not going to happen. And so, I let it go. I walked away. Not without doubts or looking back or questioning my sanity, but I trusted the voice that was whispering to me and I walked away. Shut that door for good.

I think that this was the first time ever that I realized that I did have the power to choose. I could direct my own life, instead of just being along for the ride and letting life happen to me. Listening to my own voice, trusting my gut, and doing what I truly knew in my heart was the right thing for me was empowering. It showed me that I really am okay without a man in my life and that I would rather be alone than to be with the wrong one. It was a huge turning point for me. Realizing I had the power to do what I wanted and that it truly is me - and only me - that can make the choices to turn my life into what I dream of it being was just awesome. Feeling stronger, being sure that it really is okay to listen to what my heart tells me, knowing what I want, hope for, dream about, has resulted in me still being alone, but for the first time in a very long time, I am truly okay with that.