Out With The Old, In With The New........LIfe

I have been cleaning out all the crap in my house. Actually, more like purging. I've been here for 7 years now and this place is bursting at the seams with.....crap. The other day I tackled a closet in my livingroom and ended up with 5...count 'em 5...large green garbage bags full of useless, unneeded, hey, I haven't seen this in about 7 years crap. I've tackled the basement, the kitchen, and my bedroom. The amount of stuff I have gotten rid of is ridiculous. I do believe my house is breathing a sigh of relief and thanking me profusely.

It hasn't all been crap though. Some of what I've found are items that are precious to me and bring back the most wonderful memories. Photos of my grandparents, all of whom are gone now. Souveniers, a travel journal, and pictures of a trip I took to Greece and London in high school. Yearbooks full of comments that are ridiculously funny now and faces that once were so dear to me. Scraps of paper with notes, recipes, and endless to do lists of things that seemed so vitally important at the time. Books that I have read and loved and underlined and highlighted to death.

Other things have brought back memories that while I wouldn't trade them for anything, are painful and cause me to feel failure, despair, guilt, and sadness. I came across my kids baby books on Saturday night and sat there for a couple hours with tears pouring down my face. Pictures of a very pregnant me and an amazingly young looking ex-husband - a young couple in love believing that the best was yet to come. Basically 2 kids with dreams and plans and hopes for the future and this baby that was well on its way to arriving. 2 people with absolutely no clue what their future actually had in store for them. No idea of the anger, harsh words, pain and grief they would cause each other. No idea of how the world of these 2 precious babies was going to be rocked. It made me sad all over again.

Then there were the school papers. All of us Moms have these and save them. The first drawing done - crayon scribbled across a page - that we hung on the fridge and were so proud of. The pictures of stick people labelled "my family." The schoolwork with the gold stars. Report cards informing us of our kids behaviour - good and bad. The class photos where you can't believe your child was actually ever that small - and they are so damn cute! Little notes saying I love you Mom. These things did not get thrown out obviously.

I admit it. I sat there and cried like a baby and could not stop. So many precious memories that come back to you like they happened only yesterday. Vivid reminders of all that you thought your life would be, and the life you had planned for yourself and your children. And reliving the pain, the anger, the guilt, the sadness when you realized all of what you had hoped for was not meant to be. The reality of where your life did in fact take you, and the road you followed to get to where you are today. It was overwhelming and very very sad.

I have avoided looking at those boxes of memories for a long time. I knew it would make me cry and bring up all sorts of painful feelings from the past. Perhaps it was time to go thru all those boxes and put it all to rest now. I'm choosing to hang on to the good memories and let go of the painful ones. The reason for all this cleaning and purging is a bright and happy one. A new future awaits me and I'm looking forward to it so very much.

The truth of my present reality is that I have fallen in love with a wonderful man. And he with me. A wonderful, good, kind, caring, thoughtful man who "gets" me, who makes me feel safe and secure, who takes care of me when I need it and when I let him, a man that I have waited for and believed in and dreamt of for 40 years. A man who wants to be with me and build a life and a future with me. He has arrived and he is worth cleaning out every bit of crap in my house for.

G. is moving in, and so it is time for out with the old, and in with the new.....life.

A Funeral Today

There's a funeral today.

I'm not going but my 17 year old daughter and her friends are. I think this is the 3rd one - or maybe the 4th- this group of kids has gone to. We live in a small community of about 7,000 people so it's a significant number. What the hell is going on?

Today's funeral is for Brad. He was 19 years old. His father was a pastor at the church we sometimes attend. I haven't been to church for a while but I always enjoyed hearing Pastor Russ on Sundays. He brought faith down to an everyday level that we could all apply to our daily lives. He made it relevant and real to me. Pastor Russ was always approachable and kind and funny. An all around good guy. He had to leave the church to fight his own battle with cancer. Thankfully, he survived and has apparently been doing well. And now this.

Brad was going to college and studying theology. He was going to be a pastor just like his dad. He was well liked at school and my daughter shared funny stories of him with me. Like the time he emptied out the vending machine and then climbed inside of it to scare the freshies out of their minds when they tried to buy something. He dated my niece's friend for several years. All the pictures I have seen of him show him smiling and doing something goofy, wearing a baseball hat. A regular, normal, nice kid.

A few days ago, he sat down and wrote a note to his family, left his dorm room, went outside and stepped directly in front of a train.

What the hell is going on? My daughter believes there may have been some mental health issues involved. I understand that completely, but why are so many of our kids in so much pain? How can life be so bad at 17,18,19 that dying seems like the only answer? Why aren't we as parents seeing it? Why aren't these kids getting the help they so desperately need? Some of them are crying out for attention and screaming for help as loud as they can, but nobody is hearing them. What do we need to do? Something needs to change.

I don't know the answers, but I do know this......

Today is a sad, sad day.

I Am An Addict

I admit it. I have one of those addictive personalities. When I find something I love, well, let's just say I am gonna be loyal to that thing until the end of time. Yep, until the end of time, or until the thing that I am loyal to turns around and tries to kill me. Case in point - nicotine and sugar. Sigh...

I am - and have been for many many years - addicted to Maxwell House International Coffee. French Vanilla only, please. It's not real coffee; it's basically you know...sugar. And it's so damn good. And fattening. And expensive. And habit forming.

I also have for many years, unfortunately, been addicted to cigarettes and nicotine and tar and formaldehyde and whatever the hell the other fatal ingredients are. I've been a smoker on and off since I was 15 years old. Which now is approximately 25 years that I have been an addict. Yes, I'm 40. Shut up.

The difficult part is that the french vanilla and the nicotine go so well together. Yes, it's a habit and I know habits can be broken, but seriously people, there is nothing like that first sip of yumminess and that first inhale of the day. Or middle of the day. Or end of the day. It comforts me, calms me, it's my routine, and damn it, I enjoy it. Yes, I know it's not good for me. Yes, I know it has added weight to me. Yes, I'm aware of what smoking does to a body.

Prepare for whining. But I like it. I don't want to quit. I don't want to give it up. It makes me happy.

Alas, the time has come to face my addictions head on. Working part time has cut the monthly cash flow around here, and when the choice is between 2 packs of cigarettes and a couple cans of French Vanilla, and let's say ummm.....food and electricity, the choice becomes pretty obvious. Sigh. Although I would be perfectly content to sit in the dark and drink coffee and smoke, my kid has her own addiction to eating regular meals and doing homework with the lights on. I guess she wins.

I'm on day 3 of no smoking and no coffee. I'm wearing a patch. I'm having the most realistic, frightening, scary ass nightmares every night and can't sleep. Not sure how irritable I am, but I have been very quiet and not talking much. You know, the deadly quiet where if you actually do speak, people better watch out. So, maybe a teensy little bit irritable. My head is constantly aching. I'm agitated. I've eaten an entire batch of chocolate chip cookies by myself. And I don't know what to do with myself. Sitting down and drinking coffee and smoking takes a lot of time. I've realized.

G. is doing this with me and let's just say, he is a teensy little bit irritable himself. However, we have figured out that we have saved over $170 this week alone and I am dreaming of a hot, hot winter vacation. We are determined we are going to be successful at this, even if it kills us. And if that's the case, couldn't I just keep smoking?

Pray for me people.

To The New Girl

You've been at our office now for about a month and let's be honest here; things aren't going so well. You know that, right? You know that we're trying really really hard to like you and cut you some slack because you're the new girl? You know that I try very very hard not to grit my teeth every time you ask me one of your endless questions? You know that I'm trying my absolute best to be a nice person?

The truth is that you're driving us all absolutely fucking batty! Sorry, but it's true.

I don't know why you left the other office and got a transfer to ours. I admit that I have my suspicions it's because you drove them all fucking batty too. The reality is that you have almost 7 months under your belt, and you don't seem to be any farther ahead than you must have been on day one.

We work for the government which means there are policies, procedures, acts and regulations that we have to adhere to. You MUST understand this - it is vitally important. Yes, we work in social services and we would all like to save the world, but the reality is we can't. There is simply not enough money, time, and resources to do it all. We'd like to, but we've learned we can't. We do the best we can with what we have, and with what is allowed within the above policies, procedures, etc., and believe it or not, we have enough experience to know that some of our clients don't always tell the truth - gasp! - and some are milking the system for all it is worth. I know you find that hard to believe new girl, but we do know what we are talking about.

So, as a service to you, and to perhaps save myself and the rest of my exasperated co-workers from going off on your ass, I present the following list to you. Please read it carefully.

HOW TO GET ALONG AT THE OFFICE:

1. Do not pretend you know things you don't.

2. Do not go ahead and do things that you think are okay without asking someone if they really are. It causes the rest of us to have to clean up your messes and quite frankly, we are getting pretty damn tired of it.

3. Write things down, damn it! We're trying to help you, really we are. But when you come to us with the same questions you've asked us a billion times before, we don't understand why you are still asking them and it makes us feel like our brains are going to explode.

4. LISTEN! We are taking the time to explain things to you, but you just do not seem to be interested. Cutting us off in mid-explanation, twirling your hair, and going off on tangents that have nothing to do with what we are discussing really causes us to see red.

5. Please don't tell us your theories, your philosophies, and your opinions. We have them too you know, and it really doesn't make you sound nearly as intelligent as you hope it does. It merely makes us look at you and wonder what the hell planet you came from.

6. Please stop twirling down the hallway( seriously - not even kidding here) and patting yourself on the back saying,"I did a great job today." It makes our eyes twitch and makes us want to hurt you.... bad.

7. For the love of God, please be considerate. One of the things you absolutely must know is that how you do your job affects our ability to do ours. We pride ourselves in doing a good job and you are making that so fucking difficult for us to do now, and be aware - we resent you like hell for it.

8. Learn the damn policies, procedures, acts, and regulation. We are all governed by them, they are the foundation of our job, and provide a pretty tight framework of what we can and cannot do. No, we don't agree with them all and wish we could change many of them, but following them gets us a paycheque every 2 weeks and we do like that.

Please read this list carefully and give it some consideration. We would all appreciate it. And maybe I could stop having to physically restrain my co-workers from launching themselves out of their chairs at you every time you come down the hallway.

And my eye might just stop twitching.

Thank you and have a nice day.