A Good Day

We had a frost last night and I woke up today to all the trees coated in white and looking absolutely gorgeous. The sun is shining and it is one of those crisp cold days that make you want to bundle up and venture outside just to enjoy the beauty of it all. I'm a winter girl and I love getting all bundled up and just being outside. I took the dogs out to play and had a blast watching them run around in the snow being silly.


Spent a couple hours laying on the couch in my pj's reading a book. Heaven!! My sister dropped by for a quick visit, which is rare but very nice. Had a long hot shower, got dressed and headed out with no particular plan in mind. Went to a couple stores where I love to browse and where no one else around here has the patience to go. More heaven!! I had no pressure to accomplish anything or buy anything. Just uninterrupted time to look. Stopped and got a hot chocolate for the way home. And a doughnut - I confess.


It's dark outside now and peeking out the window, I can see the Christmas lights coming on up and down the street. My house is warm and cozy. G. is puttering around and doing his own thing. I'm back in my pj's and curled up on the couch with my laptop. I have a dog on the floor beside me and one is laying across my feet. Favorite music is playing. Candles burning and filling the house with great smells.


I'm ignoring the fact that Christmas is coming and I am nowhere near ready. Not paying any attention to the dust bunnies or the bathroom calling out to be cleaned. Putting the thought of the snotty teenager with the attitude who stormed out of here this morning in the back of my mind. Forgetting the God awful day I had at work yesterday. Ignoring the long list of things that could cause me huge anxiety and stress me right out.


It's a good day and I'm taking care of me.

Finding My Voice

I so admire those of you that come up with funny, interesting, thought provoking, and poignant posts day after day. How do you do it? I think about posting here every day, but usually only manage a couple of times a week.

Is my life that dull? I have a significant other, 2 teenage kids, 2 dogs, a job, a house, friends, family, and things going on. My brain seems to be full to overflowing all the time. I know that there has to be some material for posts in all of that. Why can't I get it out and put down on this screen?

Sometimes I wonder if I am censoring myself. Comparing myself to those of you that I admire so greatly. Considering writing something and then thinking, "Nah, that's not that interesting to anyone but me." This is my space to feel free to just be me. I feel like I haven't found my true voice yet.

I have loved to write and journal ever since I was a kid. I have boxes and bins full of old diaries and journals. It gives me a feeling of release and satisfaction, and often clarity, once I have got it all down on paper. Sometimes, it amazes me what comes out of my brain, like "where the hell did that come from?"

There is a "me" that I think no one knows and finding her voice is proving to be a struggle. I'm working on it.

Any and all advice or suggestions would be much appreciated and ever so helpful.

A Bit of a Rant

Everyone knows it can be hard being a Mom. Harder still being a single Mom, I think. One of the hazards of the occupation is trying to be everthing to everyone and forgetting about yourself in the process. Trying to make sure everyone is happy and all is ok in their world - which, when you're a teenager, means their world revolves solely around them. Add in a new relationship of your own and suddenly, you're juggling 27 different things at once. I don't care how good you are at multitasking; it's a whole lot of shit you're trying to balance. Something is bound to fall, and chances are, it will be your own well being and peace of mind.

I'm feeling so tired and worn out and absolutely drained. For the last week, it's been a struggle just to get up and put one foot in front of the other. I have zero energy. I'm longing for some solitude and "me" time. The least little thing makes me incredibly irritable and want to sit down and just have a good cry. I'm craving time to just sit down with a good book and peace and quiet to read for a couple of hours - uninterrupted. I'm dreaming of escaping to the spa for some pampering - not likely to happen.I'm wishing for time to just sit and stare out the window. I'm just worn out, done in, and exhausted.

My daughter is graduating this year and is having some major life issues to decide. What she wants to do, where she wants to go to school, does she go far away from home, etc? It's hard becoming a grown up, I know. Her very best friend in the world is a guy and they have had it all planned for about a year now where they were going to go to school, the apartment they were going to get, and what life was going to look like. Her plans were set and she was so excited. Now it appears his plans have changed and he will be going to school somewhere else. And he didn't tell her until it was all arranged. She feels hurt, betrayed, and like she got royally screwed over. I don't blame her. Part of the problem is that they were tentatively making the move from friends to dating and I think her heart became involved. And now she is heartbroken and has absolutely no idea what to do or where to go. She says she feels sad about everything in her life. A lot of her friends are applying to schools already and several have been accepted and know what they are going to be doing and she feels lost and left out. If you know anything about teenage girls, you will know that this whole situation has of course led to hours of teary heartbroken discussions. Trying to be there for her and assure her that it will all work out and that she has plenty of time to make her decisions, that it's never a good idea to base your life around a guy, and that she is smart and capable of doing whatever she wants to do has consumed our life lately. And another thing about teenage girls, one day they are sobbing uncontrollably and they need you, and the next day they snarl at you when you talk to them and tell you to stay out of their life. It's exhausting and it has taken its toll on me.

Christmas is coming and while it is a happy occasion,we all know it can be stressful as hell. Spending time with family members that you otherwise have nothing to do with makes for awkward, uncomfortable moments. Money is always a concern, as is the worrying about the shopping, the cooking, the baking, the gift buying, etc.There are possible layoffs for some of my family members and they are worried about that. My daughter says she is not going to go to her father's this year and someone - meaning Mom - had to inform him of that. That was fun. My son said he was coming home and now that is up in the air also. If he had been organized and booked a ticket one of the several times I reminded him, that issue could have been settled. I'm irritated and disappointed in him, as this is not the first time this has happened, nor is it the 4th or 9th or 12th time. He tells me that's how "he rolls." Sigh. And it all seems to fall on Mom's shoulders, because who is responsible for making the holidays merry, baking all the favorites, buying the exactly right present, and making sure all the childhood traditions stay intact - exactly as they have always been? Mom, that's who.

Well, the Mom in this house is overwhelmed, exhausted, and beside herself trying to co-ordinate it all. Every day is like a minefield - just waiting for the next bomb to go off, the next phone call with bad news, the walking on eggshells, the fixing of everyone's problem of the day. This Mom is on overload and is about at the end of her rope. Putting myself first seems ridiculously impossible right now, and yet I know that to make it through this, I have to do it. It's like they say on the airplane - put your own oxygen mask on first so you can help your kid.

And now that I've whined enough for one day, go and give Kori at See Kori Rant some love today. She would appreciate it and deserves it far more than me.

Growing Pains

Things have been rather hectic around here lately. With G moving in, and all the madness that comes with trying to combine 2 households into one and deciding what to toss and what to keep, getting used to new schedules and routines, dealing with a teenage girl in the midst of a meltdown, trying to plan ahead and be ready for Christmas so I'm not panicking and having my own meltdown on December 24th-ish.....let's just say it's a lot!

There are definite growing pains that have come with this change in living arrangements. As much as you believe you know a person, certain things do come up that well.....surprise you. For example, I didn't know that he came home from work each day grumpy, and that it's best to give him a little space. He may not have known that I curl up on the couch and read every spare minute I have. He likes sports and all day Sunday and Monday night football; I have my own shows that I am loyal to. Bedtimes are different as are the times set on the alarms each morning. He loves to clean and to that I say....Knock yourself out!

There have been several testy moments and a few discussions behind closed doors. Some tears too. I admit. Many many times the words - "You have to talk to me, I can't read your mind." have been spoken by each of us. The words - "What the hell are you doing?" and "Why the hell would you do that?" have also come up a few times. He is frustrated by his job right now. I'm dealing with a kid who has some issues. Our plates are full.

But, you know what? All is well. It really is. What I'm learning with G is that one or the other of us can be grouchy or testy, we can go to our separate corners, come back together and talk, and things truly are okay. We have both been in relationships that didn't work and know the reasons why. We are old enough and mature enough to realize that this was not a decision we came to lightly. The need to communicate and share and be honest and open is one we both recognize. I'm learning when to leave him alone or when to push him. He's learning that I am a person who worries about everything and everyone and that's just who I am. He also knows that sometimes I just need to have a good cry and have a hug and then I'll be okay.

The bottom line is that we chose to live together for a reason - we love each other and want to be together and build a future and a life with each other.

We always end a conversation with that, so I think we're doing just fine.

None of My Business

The whole thing is really none of my business, I know. My opinion means absolutely nothing. I can't do anything to affect the outcome. But I have become hooked on the whole thing. I've watched and learned and listened and paid more attention to it than I have to anything else in recent memory.

I live in Canada; therefore I am Canadian. Duh.

I do not live in the United States; therefore this is none of my business.

No one is talking to me or trying to sway me or convince me of anything.

I have to say though, your election process has been FASCINATING.

We recently had an election up here in Canada and it was totally BORING. As someone so eloquently put it, we had "3 guys in sweaters" with not one ounce of passion between them. Boring, I tell you. And not that many of us actually turned out to vote. Maybe we are complacent because things are going relatively okay up here in Canada right now - well, other than the health care system, the welfare system, the way the value of the dollar is dropping, and the price of gas, etc.,etc. - but you guys - your election is EXCITING and INTERESTING and HISTORY MAKING!

I've watched the debates and been glued to CNN. I've looked on in absolute disbelief at Sarah Palin - a whole separate topic, isn't she? I've listened to their positions and their policies intently. I've read up on their backgrounds. I've read every word reported in the newspapers. Hell, I've even watched Saturday Night Live!

And even though it's none of my business and we are all entitled to our own opinions, this Candian is thinking you guys are totally nuts if you're not already standing in line to vote for this guy......

Not that it's any of my business.