It's All Over

It's all over now and I have to say this will go down as one of the happiest holiday seasons I've had in a long time. How lucky I am to be able to say that.

It was so nice to have both my kids home and listen to the sounds of them around the house. We kept most of our traditions intact and let me tell you- teenagers are never too old for the things they have always known and loved. No matter what they tell you. It is getting harder for Santa to stuff stockings and put them out for Christmas morning when the kids don't go to bed until 2 A.M. And while we used to negotiate what time they were allowed to get out of bed on Christmas morning, they now want to know how late they are able to sleep in and don't want to be up at the crack of dawn anymore. I finally couldn't stand it anymore and had to grab the singing Moose and start playing it outside bedroom doors!

We had a fabulous time at my Mom and Dad's. The food was excellent as usual, and of course we all ate far too much, as evidenced by the bodies sprawled all over the living room floor afterwards. My brother did actually arrive, much to everyone's surprise. He was in a pretty good state of mind and we managed to get through the day pretty much tension free. My brother-in-law talked too much and far too loudly, but that is par for the course. My sister was her usual wacky self and greeted us at the door wearing her light up musical antlers. My nieces are just fun to be around and the look of shock on their faces when my son walked in was priceless. All the cousins got to have a good visit which is great because it is rare they are all in the same place at the same time. My Mom bustled around making sure we all had what we needed. And my Dad sat with a smile on his face, watching all of his beloved family gathered in one place. It is the same routine every year pretty much, but this year just seemed extra special.

Gary survived us all. He enjoyed himself at my Mom and Dad's and seemed very comfortable. He may not have been too thrilled to be woken up by the singing Moose, but oh well. I was singing Christmas carols to him before that, but he pretended to be sleeping. Hmmm.

My kids seemed happy with the gifts they got from everyone. They know that Mom can't always afford the super expensive gifts - their Dad does that - but they seemed very content and said thank you a million times. It was not a year for spending a ton of money, but they don't seem to need that anyway. Gary thought maybe we overdid it, but then this was his first year with us! He'll learn how out of control I get this time of year. He bought me the Kitchen Aid mixer I have been drooling over and that made my day. I told him in this case, appliances are a perfectly acceptable gift. He has also made plans for us to have a getaway for a couple of days in January - no children or pets allowed. Heaven!!

All in all, it will go down as a great Christmas. Having kids home, family around, tons of food, fun, and laughter, and having a special someone to share it all with - what more could you ask for?

A Christmas Miracle

Last night I'm laying on the couch watching How The Grinch Stole Christmas feeling a little Grinchy myself.

Kid 2 is sick - coughing and hacking and nose blowing endlessly. She plops down on the couch beside me and says it doesn't even feel like Christmas. Looking around at the tree, the decorations, the pile of presents, the lights twinkling, and the endless amount of baked goodies everywhere, I ask her why not. What would make it feel more like Christmas? She sighs and says that it's just not the same without Kid 1 here. It would be so much more fun if he had come home. I can only nod and agree with her. It's true and there's no getting around that. She wanders around the house for a while and finally decides she is going to go out for coffee with a girlfriend.

I'm still laying on the couch after she leaves, thinking that I pretty much agree with her. Having one of your kids away for Christmas is just crappy. There is a gaping hole where he should be and your heart just does not feel content, no matter how perfect everything else is. I'm feeling pretty blue about it myself, and finding the energy to make it better for her seems beyond me at the moment.

Suddenly, I hear thudding on the front steps and all of a sudden my door swings open and there he is! Once I got past the feeling that my house was being broken into, and managed to realize that it was actually Kid 1 standing right there in front of me, I launched myself at him, hugged him with all my might and started to cry. With a huge grin on his face, he said, "I'm home for Christmas Mom!" And that hole in my heart miraculously closed right up and became whole again.

The next words out of his mouth were "Where is Kid 2?" and he starts yelling for her to get out here right now. I pick up my phone and text her to tell her to come home right now. Being the teenage girl that she is, she replies that she is out for coffee and she will be home soon. Being the mother of said teenage girl, I know that can mean anywhere from half an hour to about two hours. So, I call her and say you have to come home right now, which of course begins the endless "why" cycle of questioning.

Why do I have to come home?
Because I said so.
What's going on?
Nothing, I just want you to come home now.
But why?
Because I said so.
But why?
Okay, because I got a phone call and I want to talk to you about something.
Am I in trouble?
No.
Is it something bad?
No.
Is Grandpa okay?
Yes.
Well, what's going on then?
You just have to come home now.
Why?
Oh my God! Because I said so! get your butt home now!
Fine!
Click.

It's like negotiating a world peace treaty, I swear. At this point, she is totally pissed at me and 5 minutes later comes storming in the door, slamming it behind her to let me know she is not happy. I tell her to come here and that I want to talk to her in my room. As I open the door, she looks in and sees Kid 1 sitting on the bed and screams with joy and launches herself at him and promptly bursts into tears. A little like her Mom, Kid 2 is.

Now, it definitely feels like Christmas around here. The house was full of laughter, teasing, and endless questions as to when we are opening presents. I lay in bed last night and could hear the two of them talking, listening to music, and goofing around. They had dragged out the old photos and were reminiscing about growing up together and laughing at each other and endlessly saying remember when..?

It's awesome. It's fantastic. It's magic. It's my own little Christmas miracle. My heart feels such happiness at having both my kids at home again. It is overflowing with joy and all feels right with the world. Tonight we will go to church and hear the Christmas music that will most likely make me cry. We will eat til we're stuffed and they will shake the presents under the tree. We will hang stockings and pretend we still believe in Santa. Tomorrow, we will go to my parents and they will all get to share in the surprise as none of them have any idea he is home. My parents hearts will also be overflowing with joy and love and appreciation that their entire family is gathered around them.

It's the season for magic and miracles and I am a believer.

May you all have a blessed Christmas, full of good cheer, family and friends, and love all around you.

The Parent Lottery

I won the parent lottery when I was born. There's no doubt about it.

Maybe God looked down on me and said "Whoo boy! This one is gonna need a lot of help getting through life so I better give her the premium parents." Maybe the stars were aligned exactly right that day. Maybe it is just luck of the draw and I happened to have a mittful of aces. Maybe it was just random luck.

However it came to be, I am eternally thankful and know I have been blessed. I grew up knowing I was loved. My parents made sure that we had new school clothes every fall, we were able to participate in extra cirricular activities, took summer vacations every year, and I have wonderful memories of Christmas time. Looking back now, I realize I really had it good. I've learned to appreciate and be thankful and become aware how hard they worked to give us these things.

After my divorce, Christmas became all about putting on a happy face for my kids even though there was no way in hell I felt like celebrating. I've come around in the last few years and can honestly say that I enjoy this time of year again. Yes, I hate the malls and the crowds of crazy shoppers. Yes, I bitch about the money and lay awake at night wondering how I am going to pay for it all. I make lists and run around like a maniac trying to cross every single item. There are guaranteed to be a few tearful meltdown kind of days.

But I enjoy being with my family. I love the look on my kids faces when they open a gift and I know I got it exactly right. Mom's traditional dinner. Sitting in the dark and simply enjoying the light of the tree. Christmas carols. Decorating my house. Baking. I love it all.

That's why I couldn't understand exactly what Gary's problem has been lately. He's been grumpy and very quiet and just not into all my excitement. He has repeatedly told me he wants socks and underwear and absolutely nothing else, even after me repeatedly harassing him for his Christmas list. I've explained to him what our traditions are - things that my kids like to stay the same year after year. I've asked him what his family did and if there were things he wanted to include in our celebration this year - our first one together. Getting an answer proved to be impossible, and increasingly frustrating.

Until he finally spit it out.

"I don't really like to celebrate Christmas. In fact, I hate it."

And it was then that I realized that not everyone wins the parent lottery. Not everyone is fortunate enough to have the happy memories that I do. In fact, some of us have really really shitty memories and not a lot of reasons to love the season. It doesn't bring back warm fuzzy feelings. It brings on nightmares and a wish to have the holidays come and go with no recognition.

Hug your kids tonight and make memories with them that they will remember forever. Pray that they too will grow up and boast about how they won the parent lottery.

Think Before You Speak

Friday was my birthday. I'm now 41.

This weekend was incredibly shitty, involving long periods of silence, huge feelings of disappointment, and many many doubts.

I believe you should think before you speak, so that's what I'm going to do.

Feeling ...Off

Christmas is fast approaching (why does it never approach slowly?) and although I am a bit behind on some things, basically I'm within shouting distance of being done, finished, dare I say ready?

Kid 2 and a friend dragged all of my Christmas decorations and knick knacks up from the basement a couple of Sundays ago and went to town. They assembled the tree - that just doesn't quite have the same ring as getting a fresh one and filling the house with the smells of evergreen, does it? Nevertheless, they put the tree up and did all the lights, which I am eternally grateful for because that has to be one of my least favorite jobs, ever. The tradition around here has always been that Kid 2 and I do the ornaments together - reminiscing, clarifying which ones are hers and which are her brother's, and telling the stories of where they came from. This year however, her friend was here, I was baking, and she didn't want to wait for me. So I told them to go ahead. The result is I have my tree up and my house decorated and I barely had to do any work. Nice, right?

Yeah..... nice. But I have to admit, it bothered me that our tradition just went out the window. It is her last Christmas being at home and I was looking forward to spending time with her and doing it our usual way. I told myself I was being silly. It was me who told her to go ahead. If I didn't like it, I could have spoken up and asked her to wait. I was busy and really, the tree went up and she had fun, so who cares? But yeah, it just felt a bit....off.

That's sort of how I'm feeling about Christmas in general this year. Just...off. I'm baking, making lists, getting organized, our plans are set, and I'm out fighting the crowds and doing the gift buying. I'm making sure everything is good for my family. The fact that Gary is living with us now means that things will change regardless, and that's a good change that I'm happy about, but nevertheless, it is a change. Kid 1 is not coming home this year and that makes me feel.....off.
Knowing it is Kid 2's last year at home makes me feel ....off. Knowing Kid 2 is going to be leaving for her Dad's on the 29th makes and that neither of my kids will be home for New Year's makes me feel....off. Knowing that we are facing a New Year that will be full of huge changes and challenges that I am not sure I am prepared for makes me feel......off.

Everyone at the office has decorated their own little space, and I swear, it feels like I'm living in the middle of Santa's village. Either that or Clark Griswold snuck in here one night and went nuts. I feel claustrophobic and like the flashing lights may induce seizures if I'm not careful. I'm also now the holder of the title "Office Grinch", simply because I have fewer than 400 decorations around my desk. Meh.

What I really want for Christmas is peace. Peace in my surroundings, peace for my loved ones, and most of all, peace in my heart and mind. Time to sit and reflect on the blessings I have in my life. Time to be grateful for the good things all around me. An opportunity to remember that the real reason for the season is not being triumphant that you scored the last Wii in the store. A chance to look forward to a New Year and new opportunities - not dread what lies ahead. An attitude that says I know how extremely fortunate I am and that I appreciate everything that I have been given. Time spent sitting quietly and not fretting and worrying. Not feeling.....off.

I wish the same for you all.

Worrying

If it wasn't so much work, I would seriously consider changing the name of this blog. Because, the truth is......I am SO not at peace with it all...at all. Not right now anyways.

I've always been a worrier. An approval seeker. A people pleaser. A bit obsessive. And perhaps there are a few control freak issues mixed in with all of the above. I can't count the number of nights I have lain awake and obsessed and worried about things that truly were out of my control. Things I just wanted to fix - for me and others. How to make sure my kids were happy and well adjusted and that everything was going okay for them. Feeling their pain when things were not going their way, and agonizing over what I could do to make it all better. Endlessly running the options through my head in regards to things I wanted to do or changes I wanted to make in my own life. Looking back over the past and running a million different scenarios about how things could have been different.

The worry and the anxiety have overwhelmed me, consumed me, and made me physically sick. I've vowed time after time to make changes in the way I look at things, the way I approach problems, and the way I assume the responsibility for everything on God's green earth. For a while, I succeed, and then before I know it, I am back to trying to be the only person in the world who can make things right for everbody. It is no way to live. The stress I put on myself and how it affects my health, physically and mentally, is a killer. People say to just stop it and that I am doing it to myself. Well yeah, I know that, thanks and don't you think if I could just flip a switch and turn it off I would? It's not that easy.

There are some instances where I have absolutely no problem at all standing up for myself or my kids, and God help you if you get in my way. I'm pretty free to speak my mind and not too concerned with whether you like it or not. I live my life pretty much doing my own thing and not following the crowd. I don't care too much about what is the latest must have "thing." I'm generally pretty happy with the big picture. It's the little things that kill me. My daughter stressing about where to go to university makes me a nervous wreck. My son getting into debt or making questionable choices that I know are going to come back and bite him in the ass. My Dad not feeling well one day makes me leap ahead to the day when he is gone and I will no longer have his wisdom and guidance to count on. G. being in a bad mood makes me remind myself that I was okay before he came along and I'll be okay again if he chooses not to be here anymore. Giant leaps! A - Z with no letters in between. I believe they call it "catastrophizing."

Some way, somehow, there must be a way to fix this. Yoga? Meditation? Kickboxing where I can kick the shit out of all my worries? Writing? Journalling? Possibly, but I think it's deeper than that. Some way to change the fundamentals of who I am deep down inside? Some way to rewire my whole system? Adjust the way I view the world? To remove it all from the inside of my head and make it disappear? There must be a way.


Now, I'm worried about how to find it.