I Have A Few Things To Say

To my ex-husband,

We have been divorced now for nearly 15 years. An uneasy sort of peace has been forged between us and we can have civil conversations when required. I don't have any interest in your life and I'm sure you aren't concerned with what goes on in mine. For the most part, we have not come together as a team to ensure that our children were raised up right. Let's be honest here and say that I have done most of the work and you have remained completely out in left field, blissfully oblivious. I'm okay with that - I never wanted you interfering in what I knew I could do so much better than you anyway. And you preferred it that way. So be it.

Our children were 3 and 6 when you walked out the door. They are now nearly 18 and 21. For kid 2, those have been long years of wishing you were more involved in her life, wondering why you don't have time, or make time, for her, questioning why your new life is more important than her - someone from your old life. And endless tears and sobbing over why he "just doesn't get me, he doesn't listen, and he has no idea who I even am." For kid 1, there was so much anger that led him to so many challenges in school, with friends, and with life in general. He was a little boy with a big hurt inside of him. I'm not sure he has ever really resolved it completely but I don't worry about him as much now though, as I believe he has figured you out. He has seen who you are and what you are all about and what you are capable of in certain areas. He's built his own relationship with you which I am glad about. I don't need to be involved in that anymore. It's between the two of you now, and I hope you are grateful that he has given you a chance.

Kid 2, our baby girl, is graduating high school in 2 weeks. Actually, that doesn't even feel right. I feel like it should say "my" baby girl. Yes, you were involved in her getting into this world, but that's about where your involvement ended. Since she was 3 years old, she has been completely my responsibility. You seemed totally baffled whenever you were faced with her; like she was a foreign species not yet named or classified. You've never understood what little girls were about. She is not a boy clothed in a dress, she is a girl. Girls come with emotions, tears, irrationality, mood swings, and needs. And ideally, little girls should be able to look at their Daddy and see their White Knight, their Prince Charming, their first love. Hopefully, they see a great example in how their Dad treats their Mom and look for that same kind of love when they become older.

She has learned that from my parents and from her Grandfather, not from you. Her Grandfather is her hero, he is her protector, he is her White Knight. He, along with her Grandmother, has always been there for her, every single time she has needed him. From taking care of her when she was sick, to picking her up from daycare, to babysitting her so I could get a break, to slipping her a $20 when they thought I wasn't looking, to sitting with her and talking about life - it has all been him and my mom. If she looks for a man like her Grandpa, her life will be a good one. Sadly, if she finds a man like her Dad, it will be a much harder road for her.

Since that day when you walked out on these 2 kids, I have asked you for exactly one thing and one thing only. Pay your child support on time. To your credit, you have done that consistently. I appreciate it. Your child support allowed me to keep a roof over their heads and to keep them fed. It did not pay for the extras like swimming, soccer, dance, daycare, summer camp, gymnastics, karate, Cubs, haircuts, clothing, trips for ice cream, movies, new bikes, rollerblades, winter jackets, birthday parties, presents for other kids' birthday parties, field trips, the cost of gas for all the endless places I drove them, babysitters, glasses, dentists, retainers, drivers ed, school pictures, medicine, those damn book fairs at school, shoes, or for me sitting with them all night long when they cried for you, or were sick, or stressed out about whatever was going on in their lives. It did not pay for me putting up with their behaviour after they had spent a week with you believing it was okay to stay up all night long, eat whatever you wanted, do whatever you wanted, get away with murder, never have to take a bath and that it was okay to come home and be a monster and treat Mom like she's the enemy. Hey, Dad is Disneyland! Mom is reality! No, your small amount of child support - compared to your wages - that you paid me did not cover all the extras that let the kids be normal kids and do the things that all kids should get to experience. However, you did pay your required child support and I have always given you credit for that.

When kid 2 developed an eating disorder and I was running from Dr. to school guidance counsellor to therapist, and standing outside the bathroom door listening if she was barfing up dinner, and begging her to eat, and watching her descend into depression, I decided it was time to get you involved. I told you what was going on and asked you to talk to her. You told her to "get it together" and "get over it" and that "life's really not that bad." I spent about a month trying to get her past "your help." When she broke up with her first boyfriend and cried herself to sleep every night for about a month, I sat with her every night and held her while she cried. You said "What was his name again?" This year when she was diagnosed with anxiety disorder and panic attacks and had to spend a week at a youth center undergoing counselling, she begged me not to tell you where she was. I spent a week away from home and work being there for her every day. She said, "Mom, he won't get it anyway; what's the point of telling him?" When you gave her shit on the phone for being out of touch and not calling you, she sucked it up and took it without saying a word.

And now, she is graduating. All she wants is for you to show up; to have her Dad be sitting in the crowd for one occasion in her life. Thanks for finally letting her know you were coming and actually booking your ticket 2 weeks before the big day. Even though we all knew this day was coming for about 18 years. Thanks for giving her shit about not letting you know the dates and the schedule when I personally heard her tell you them on three different occaasions and you couldn't be bothered to write them down. Thank your new wife for me also. Since kid 1 was not able to get her a ticket for the dinner, she has decided it's not an important enough event for her to show up to at all. (Actually, seriously though, thank your new wife from me personally, because I am eternally grateful I don't have to deal with her on this day.) Kid 1 wants you to see her walk the stage, get her diploma, take a few pictures, see her friends, see her in her beautiful dress, and have dinner with her.

That's all she wants, all she is asking of you after 18 years. Just for once to have her Dad show up for her, to be in the crowd, supporting her, being proud of her. Letting it be all about her. Watching her shine. I've been blessed enough to have that opportunity for the last 18 years and I'm sorry you haven't taken advantage of it and had the same joy and wonder I have in watching her grow up to be an incredible young lady with a very bright future. Smart, funny, beautiful, kind, caring, with plans, and dreams, and hopes. You have missed out on so much with this child that we created. I feel sorry for you, and no amount of staying up nights, worrying myself silly, arguing with her, grounding her, having her drive me completely crazy could ever convince me it hasn't been time well spent.

So, please, show up for her. Be there for her. Be proud of her. Hug her. Tell her you love her. Let her know what an amazing human being she is. Give her memories to look back on as she remembers this day years from now. Love her. Let it be all about her for one day.

I've never asked you for anything. I'm asking now.

And I swear to God, if you screw this up, I will kill you with my bare hands.

Sincerely,

the mother of your children