Got Up And Gone

Someone help me. My get up and go has got up and gone. Where, I don't know. I've looked and searched but I can't seem to locate it anywhere. If you see it, tell it to get its' ass back here because I could really use it.

It could just be the fact that it's the month of January, which I despise with almost every fibre of my being. The only thing worse is the month of February which I loathe with the rest of the fibres in my being. It is finally warming up here, but we have been living with near -40 temperatures for fricking forever it seems. It's at the stage now where the snow is dirty, the roads are a mess, and those beautiful winter scenes are nowhere to be found. It's depressing and it sucks. Period.

My mood always dips at this time of year without fail. I struggle with getting through each day, when all I really want to do is stay in my pj's, curl up in bed, and read a book. It's a supreme effort to talk to anyone and I grit my teeth all day long at work. The noise irritates me, the lights irritate me, and the personalities of my co-workers really irritate me. I don't care what my house looks like. I don't feel like cooking or eating. Basically, I don't even want to move. And while I know this is normal for me at this time of year, and it happens every year, there have been many years where it morphed from normal blues into severe crippling depression that brought my life to a screeching halt. And so I worry and look for signs and try to gauge exactly how bad I'm really feeling. Am I just pissy or is it worse than that? Sometimes, I think the anxiety of knowing that February is coming is what really gets me spinning. Deep down, I think I really am okay, but there is that little annoying voice that says, "Are you sure?" and causes me to doubt.

I'm dreaming of hot summer days, green grass, and flowers blooming. Laying at the beach and drinking coolers in the backyard. Barbeques and campfires. Warm sunshine on my face and vacation time off work. Being hot, not freezing.

Until then, I'll keep trying to find my get up and go. And when I do, I'll kick its' ass for leaving me in the first place.

Questions From Kori

Kori was actually interested enough to send me some questions about me and my life. After much delay, and a lot of time sitting at the computer trying to come up with fascinating, well phrased, entertaining and amusing answers - which hurt my brain - I've finally managed to pull the following together.

1. The name of your blog is At Peace With It All; how did you come up with that particular name?

I started this blog at a time when I was single - not dating or at all interested in dating, thank you very much - and for the first time in my life believing that I was really okay with that. I had a job, a roof over my head, food on the table, 2 healthy fairly well adjusted kids, family and friends and the traumas of the past were pretty much behind me. Life was finally okay and I felt at peace with who I was, where I was at, and what was going on. For about the past 10 years or so, peace has always been my answer when asked what I wished for. It just seemed to fit. Please note the tag line has been amended to read "except sometimes I'm not" because I figures that was a little bit more honest.

2. You were single for some years before you met G. What was the deciding factor when it came to dating him? You can list more than one.

I was single for about 5 years before I met G. When we met I was not even thinking of any kind of long term relationship and just thought he sounded like an interesting guy and it would be fun to go for a drink and shoot the shit. To my surprise, we connected like crazy on that first date. He was intelligent, handsome, easy to talk to, kind, and had a dry sense of humour that I loved. He called me after that first date and we saw each other several times after that. There were some bumps in the road - which would make an excellent post some day - but we seemed able to work our way through them, which was a first for me. Perhaps the most deciding factor when it came to dating him was the fact that he made, and still makes me, feel safe and secure. I don't doubt him when he tells me something and I believe he only says what he truly means. It was a risk to be sure, but one that I'm glad I gathered up enough courage to take.

3. If you could change one thing about your life, what would it be?

Only one? That is an extremely hard question because about 14 things popped into my head immediately. They are all connected to decisions I've made earlier in my life I suppose, so I suppose the one thing I would change is not dropping out of university. I've always wanted to have that education and still now dream about going back to school. I love learning and know that if I would have completed school it would have enabled me to do things that are now unavailable to me. It's the one dream that has never gone away.

4. How would you describe your faith (or lack of it, if that applies)?

I was raised going to church and Sunday school every weekend. I sang in the choir and participated in youth group. While my actual attendance has sort of dropped off over the years, I do have a very strong faith. There have been times in my life when things weren't going well, and I would feel this small voice insisde me saying, "Go to church. You will feel better", and I have found that to be true. There is something about sitting in that holy place and feeling that God is there, listening, that just brings a true peace to my soul. That being said, I am not a huge fan of the politics and cliques that exist at many churches. I do believe that God has brought me through my trials and I try to remember to say thank you as often as I can. It is comforting to me to know that He is up there watching over me and caring about what I am going through - even though I often question Him and feel angry about the things that happen in the world.

5. If you HAD to play a sport of some kind professionally, what sport would it be and why?

Hmmm, tough one. I could say football, hockey, or basketball but that would be mostly for the absolutely insane amount of money they make. I think I might go with golf though, not that I am much of a golfer in real life. It frustrates the hell out of me. Some of the courses they play on are so absolutely beautiful and you're outside enjoying the sunshine and feeling the breeze on your face. Plus it's a nonviolent sport and sort of a solitary endeavor, which would suit me just fine.

Thanks Kori!

I'm Hoping

New Year's Eve was a quiet one around our house. I'm not a big fan of going out and spending hundreds of dollars to hang out with drunken people, and I can blow my own noise maker at midnight at home if I feel the need to do so. Gary and I cooked dinner together and then curled up on the couch and watched movies and brought in our first New Year together in peace and quiet. Both kids are away at their Dad's this week and we have had a chance to spend time together with just the two of us. I miss the kids, but have to say it really is a pleasure to know that the phone won't be ringing off the hook, there won't be random miscellaneous teenagers hanging out all over my house, nobody needs a ride or money or anything at all.

I've seen on many many blogs that people are making resolutions and actually putting them down in black and white for all to see. I'm not quite that brave. The way I see it is that there are enough events that occur during the year where I will feel like I have failed. I don't need a list of more things to feel bad about if I don't succeed at sticking to it. Of course, there is the list in my head that goes on forever and ever - lose weight, quit smoking, exercise more, give up sugar, etc, etc. That list never goes away. The running tape that plays in my head makes sure of that.

There are things I'm hoping for in 2009 though. I'm hoping that it is a good year for my daughter as she finishes her last year of high school and heads off to a new future. I'm hoping that everyone stays healthy. I'm hoping that I will finally learn to take better care of myself and put myself at the top of the to do list once in a while. I'm hoping for no layoffs or money disasters. I'm hoping that I cope with everything that heads our way in a calm non meltdown kind of way. I'm hoping to relax, just a little, and enjoy all that I am blessed with and feel secure about it and not wonder when the rug is going to be pulled out from under my feet. I'm hoping that I laugh more than I cry. I'm hoping to hang on to hope.

Happy New Year to you all and very best wishes for a healthy, safe, and peaceful 2009.