Sigh

I haven't been here for a while, not because nothing has been happening, but because so much has been going on that it's enough work to just process it all in my head, never mind get it down in words.

Have I mentioned how much I hate February? I'm sure I have, but it bears repeating. I hate this month. It sucks and I want to wipe it off the calendar forever. Nothing good has ever happened to me in this month, and this year my streak is continuing. Sigh.

The drama with the daughter and the boyfriend continues. I never know if it's going to be a sunshine and rainbows day, or if it's going to be like hell has been unleashed on my house. Personally, I'd tell the boy to take a very very long hike and not look back. It's taking all my willpower to keep my mouth shut, because I know this is a decision she has to make for herself. It's too bad actually, because I really used to like this kid, and now I don't trust him as far as I could throw him. Having him around my house just puts tension in the air and there's enough of that here right now anyway. Plus, now his parents have gotten involved and feel the need to keep calling me and wanting to discuss how we can work as a "team." There's nothing wrong with that I suppose, but I really don't see the need for us to be involved at all - these kids are 18 years old. They can work it out on their own. I've given all the guidance and input I can. The parents want to set up a time for all of us to have a "meeting." The mother is quite honestly, a bit of a whackjob and I'm so not interested in getting involved with her. I had a phone conversation with her the other day where she basically accused my daughter of being the reason for everything that has gone wrong in their house and their family for approximately the last 2 years. She also accused me of some very unpleasant things that were not true at all, and pissed me right off. When I asked her where she had heard these things, she said it was from her son. Hence, the me not trusting him anymore. She has a husband and 4 kids and I swear to God, she is messing up every single one of them. It's funny because to look from the outside, they look like they have it all and like they are the perfect family. It's amazing the facade they have going on, and what really goes on behind closed doors. I'm good with my end of things though - my daughter is okay and I know I have done a good job with her. I am very sorry you are having problems with 3 out of your 4 kids, but it isn't my problem and I do not want to be involved at all. So, now I'm cringing every time the phone rings around here. Sigh....

Gary has not found a job yet and it is getting to him a lot. He had a couple of things lined up, but both fell through, and it's discouraging the hell out of him. He believes it is because he is not from this town and he doesn't have the "right" last name; he's an outsider. At first I didn't agree, but I'm starting to change my mind. Funny how we live in the middle of the Bible belt where everyone spouts what a great Christians they are and touts the values they say they live by. We are sponsoring refugees from all around the world to come here and start a new life - giving them housing, jobs, welfare, mentors, etc., and Gary can not get an interview for jobs he is extremely well qualified for. I've decided the name of the town should be Hypocrisy or Hypocriteville. At this point we don't know what we are going to do and that is adding huge stress to life. He may have to move back to the city to find work and come home on weekends. Not exactly what I had pictured our life together being. If it was the end of June, I could go with him, but as it is, I have to stay here until Kid 2 graduates. Sigh.

There is so much change and uncertainty and I am a girl who needs to live by a plan. Every day I am tip toeing 'cause someone is upset or discouraged or else there's a ton of tension in the air. I am a fixer and I can't do anything about any of this - I hate it! We had plans and now they are all shot to hell. I'm frustrated. I've had a migraine for about 4 days and I seriously want to hurt the next person who wants something from me or bothers me. Putting on a happy face and trying to be the one woman "cheer up" committee is wearing thin. Sigh.

I want to pack my bags and run away from home. I want to hand in my resignation and quit my life. Why don't Moms get that option? Sigh.

And there ends the rant.

Sigh.

What I Told My Daughter Last Night

Guy troubles and drama.....again! As a parent, I think we see some things so much more clearly than our kids are able to. We've lived a little, have some life experience, had our hearts broken a time or two, and many of us can spot a problem guy from miles away. We can try and explain to them what we see so clearly, but if they aren't ready or willing to hear it, we might as well be talking to the wall. Sigh.

Last night, my daughter came home from work, and instead of heading straight for her room and blasting the music, she actually came and sat down with G. and me. I could tell she had something on her mind, and she danced around the subject for a little while. After a couple of questions, the damn broke and it all came gushing out. Like Niagra Falls gushing out.

He's not treating me with any respect. He wants to make all the rules. Everything has to be his way. When he makes me upset and I try to talk to him about it, he laughs at me. He's being a jerk. He's grumpy and miserable all the time. He makes me unhappy but I don't know what I'd do without him. I don't want to lose him as a friend.

Sigh. She got all this out without crying this time which is progress. This is about Round 3 or 4 on this subject. We've been there and done this before. I've given her pretty much all my best advice. However, here is what we told her. Again.

- You deserve to be treated with respect. Period.

- He does not get to lay down what the rules are and you have to just meekly follow along behind him.

- What you want and need is equally as important as whatever he thinks.

- Be with someone who wants to be with you, is proud to call you his, and treats you like a princess.

- You know his family is messed up. Pay attention. He grew up in that house.

- He is not as fabulous and wonderful as his ego leads him to believe. Trust me.

-Every time he treats you in a disrespectful way, you're losing a little piece of your self-esteem and dignity. Day by day that can add up to a whole lot.

-Believe in yourself. You are beautiful, intelligent, kind, funny, caring, generous, and an amazing friend.

-Friends don't treat other friends this way. Is he being a good friend?

- Be with someone who makes you happy. Someone who lights you up and makes your life better just by being in it.

-Life is too short to be miserable.

-You deserve better.

-It's okay to put yourself first. It's okay to feel what you feel and want what you want.


I know she will make her own decision in her own time. And it will be the right one for her. She gets it; she's just not ready to let go yet. She's a little like her Mom - she'll only take so much shit before she says enough! I have absolute faith in her.

I just hope she's listening.

Whelmed

There's a line from a movie that I can't remember the name of right now that goes like this -

"I know you can feel underwhelmed and I know you can feel overwhelmed, but can you ever just feel whelmed?"

That's how I feel. Whelmed.

There are so many things going on right now and none of them are anything that I can actually do something about. The control freak in me is freaking out.

I'm underwhelmed by work right now. We have had almost a complete staff turnover in the last year or so. This comes after having all of the same people here for the last 20 years or so. There are 4 of us left from the original staff, and let's put it this way - 2 of them are seriously investigating retirement, 1 of them is talking about stress leave, and then there is me. For those of us that have been here for more than a minute and actually do know how to do our jobs, it is incredibly frustrating to have a bunch of freshly graduated university 20 somethings come in and attempt to impart their newly gained knowledge with the rest of us - over and over and over. This used to be a really great place to work and we were like a well oiled machine, with every one of us knowing our part in keeping the machine running smoothly. And we managed to have a whole hell of a lot of fun while we were doing it. Now? Not so much, and it's getting to be a real grind dragging myself here every day.

I'm a little overwhelmed by the fact that G. lost his job last week. The industry he works in is really suffering right now and people are losing jobs left, right, and center. He has already had an interview and has sent out a few resumes, and says he will go back to being on the road if he has to.The upside is that he may be able to find a job closer to home and eliminate the 2 and a half hour commute each day. Overall, he doesn't seem too stressed out about it and is confident something will come along soon and says he will do whatever he has to do to keep the money rolling in. The downside is that I am carrying enough stress about it for both if us. I get extremely anxious about money and know that I am not making enough to support all of us. I wish I had his laid back attitude and faith, but I don't. So I feel like I'm carrying the whole weight of it by myself, and it's pretty damn heavy.

Kid 2 has received her acceptance letter from the college of her choice, which happens to be 1185 km. away from home. I am so thrilled for her and so proud of her. My baby is getting ready to fly! Fly far away from home though, which kind of makes my heart hurt.

G. and I had plans to make a move of our own this summer, but that has been put on hold now due to the job situation. Depending on what he finds, what it pays, and how much he likes it will determine whether we stay here or go. We'd like to do some work on the house and get some more money in the bank before we undertake a big move, but I had my heart set on it and it is taking some adjusting to accept the fact that I may be staying in this town for a while longer. While my baby goes far away.

So, I'm a little bit underwhelmed by the way my job is going, and feeling like it is time to make some changes. I'm a bit overwhelmed by the fact that my baby girl is getting ready to leave home. I'm feeling underwhelmed in general about most things - just blah. I'm sort of overwhelmed by G's situation. I'm underwhelmed by this fricking winter weather that feels like it will never go away.

I'm neither underwhelmed nor overwhelmed enough to stop me from getting out of bed each day and carrying on with the business of life.

I'm just.......whelmed.