Not The Post I Had Intended To Write

I thought I would be writing here today all about kid 2's grad, and what a fabulous day it was, the awards and scholarships she won, how beautiful and handsome they all looked, how the ex husband and I got along, and all the other details that made it the glorious day of celebrating that it indeed was. And I will write about that, when I am able to do so without crying and having my heart break into a million more little pieces.

Today, instead I am going to write about Clark. He's been one of Kid 2's best friends since Grade 5. He's a funny, kind, athletic, really good kid and he has always been one of my favorites. Every time I saw him, he would make me smile. He's very tall and just one of those gentle giants. He worked really hard to graduate with the rest of the kids, and in fact only found out the day before grad that he had actually made it. At the dinner, he and one other boy got up and gave a toast to all the graduating girls. One of the other boys had backed out and Clark stepped up at the last minute to fill in. They fumbled their way through their speech and had some good stories and kind hearted jabs to share about these girls that they have known since childhood. It was a great tribute and to see how they looked out for and cared about the girls was amazing.

I saw him at the Safe Grad party and spent some time talking to him. The kids were having a blast and I was supposed to be supervising, but it was more like a chance to hang out with them and share in their celebration.I saw him eating pizza, talking to all his friends, flirting with the girls, hugging everyone, and just having a great time. Clark hadn't been sure what he wanted to do, as school was definitely not his favorite thing. Today was to have been his first day on the job as an electrician's apprentice and he was so excited about the new path he was heading down.

The night after grad, some of the boys were up at the lake continuing the celebration. In our town, you can walk down from the lake through the golf course back to town. Yes, they were drinking but were responsible enough not to be driving. Sometimes that's not enough, no matter how much we pound not drinking and drinking into their heads. Sometimes freak accident just happen and there's nothing anyone can do about it. Sometimes, you wonder what God is thinking and what possible reason He could have for the plans He has for all of us.

Because Clark slipped and fell on the rocks by the bridge. Another boy also slipped and fell into the water, twice. He is okay. But Clark slipped and fell and hit his head on the rocks.

And he died instantly.

The boys that were with him tried to wake him up. They tried to give him CPR. They tried their absolute best to save him. They called 911. They went to the hospital and fought with the nurses and the police and said they were not leaving without their friend. These young men - these freshly graduated boys - lost one of their best buds. The day after graduation.

Kid 2 woke me up at 4:30 in the morning, screaming and sobbing at me to get out of bed. The word had spread, and everyone knew Clark was gone. It has been almost unbearable to watch the shock and grief on the faces of these kids, watch them be stone silent, cry hysterically, ask why over and over again. They have visited Clark's Mom, shared their stories and memories with her, spent time with her, and yesterday she had them all over to visit with the minister. They have talked to the parents who happen to be social workers or psych nurses, talked to their guidance counsellor, their principal, their pastors, their parents, and most of all each other. This group of about 20 or so kids have not been apart from each other for more than a few hours at most since last Thursday night. They've huddled together on couches and watched movies, had bonfires, sleepovers where all 20 of them curled up together in one big pack, tried to get each other to eat or to talk or to sleep.

Clark's Mom has had them all over at her house several times. She invited them all into his room and asked them each to take something meaningful to them. My daughter has his ball cap and his wallet. One of the kids took his baseball shorts and last night he hit a home run while wearing them. One of them is wearing his favorite hoody. The kids all got together and blew up and mounted one of their group grad pictures for her, and they all signed it. They have bought a notebook and between them all are filling it with stories and their best memories of Clark - to give to his mom. She has asked them all to be honorary pallbearers and to sit with the family at the funeral. They are all speaking at the funeral as well - sharing their stories, reading scripture, etc. Today they are all gathered together planning what they will say.

These kids, the bright fresh young faces of the Class of 2009, who just days ago were celebrating and at the height of joy, have been plunged into the greatest sorrow many of them have ever known. Their memories of their Graduation will always include this - that Clark died the day after they had the party of a lifetime. A Facebook tribute page went up immediately and last time I checked there were almost 500 members. The tributes the kids have written are heartbreaking and have made me cry like a baby when I read them.

As a parent, I can't even begin to comprehend this loss. I feel sick to my stomach and continue to ask God what possible reason He could have for doing this. As a kid, how do you process this? Yes, they are supposed to grow up and become adults after graduation, but this? This seems like asking far too much of them.

And so on Wednesday, exactly one week after they graduated with the highest hopes and brightest dreams, they will gather again to mourn the loss of one of their shining stars. I don't know how they will get through it. I suspect they will each hold the other up and come through it together as the tight knit group they are. I don't know how I will get through it. The pain on their faces and the questions in their eyes, the sorrow and the tears they will shed are enough to make any parent question the wisdom of God. It's agonizing and unbearable to see them try to figure this out and make some kind of sense out of it. If I can't, as an adult, how on earth should they be expected to?

They have had to grow up suddenly and in the harshest way possible. For that I am deeply sad.

For Clark, my wish is that you are in heaven, making all the angels laugh. Watch out over these friends of yours, for they will never forget you or the memories you shared, and they will need your kindness and caring, and your oh so funny sense of humour, in the days and years to come.

Your time here was entirely too short and you will be greatly missed. Thank you for the many days you spent making my daughter laugh. She say the lesson she learned from you was to always, always laugh, and to take life one day at a time. Your most common saying was "Whatever" and that was pretty much your philosophy on life. Take it as it comes and whatever happens, happens.

This is what the boys did at their first baseball game without Clark.

Here's to the Class of 2009. And to one of their finest young men.

I Have A Few Things To Say

To my ex-husband,

We have been divorced now for nearly 15 years. An uneasy sort of peace has been forged between us and we can have civil conversations when required. I don't have any interest in your life and I'm sure you aren't concerned with what goes on in mine. For the most part, we have not come together as a team to ensure that our children were raised up right. Let's be honest here and say that I have done most of the work and you have remained completely out in left field, blissfully oblivious. I'm okay with that - I never wanted you interfering in what I knew I could do so much better than you anyway. And you preferred it that way. So be it.

Our children were 3 and 6 when you walked out the door. They are now nearly 18 and 21. For kid 2, those have been long years of wishing you were more involved in her life, wondering why you don't have time, or make time, for her, questioning why your new life is more important than her - someone from your old life. And endless tears and sobbing over why he "just doesn't get me, he doesn't listen, and he has no idea who I even am." For kid 1, there was so much anger that led him to so many challenges in school, with friends, and with life in general. He was a little boy with a big hurt inside of him. I'm not sure he has ever really resolved it completely but I don't worry about him as much now though, as I believe he has figured you out. He has seen who you are and what you are all about and what you are capable of in certain areas. He's built his own relationship with you which I am glad about. I don't need to be involved in that anymore. It's between the two of you now, and I hope you are grateful that he has given you a chance.

Kid 2, our baby girl, is graduating high school in 2 weeks. Actually, that doesn't even feel right. I feel like it should say "my" baby girl. Yes, you were involved in her getting into this world, but that's about where your involvement ended. Since she was 3 years old, she has been completely my responsibility. You seemed totally baffled whenever you were faced with her; like she was a foreign species not yet named or classified. You've never understood what little girls were about. She is not a boy clothed in a dress, she is a girl. Girls come with emotions, tears, irrationality, mood swings, and needs. And ideally, little girls should be able to look at their Daddy and see their White Knight, their Prince Charming, their first love. Hopefully, they see a great example in how their Dad treats their Mom and look for that same kind of love when they become older.

She has learned that from my parents and from her Grandfather, not from you. Her Grandfather is her hero, he is her protector, he is her White Knight. He, along with her Grandmother, has always been there for her, every single time she has needed him. From taking care of her when she was sick, to picking her up from daycare, to babysitting her so I could get a break, to slipping her a $20 when they thought I wasn't looking, to sitting with her and talking about life - it has all been him and my mom. If she looks for a man like her Grandpa, her life will be a good one. Sadly, if she finds a man like her Dad, it will be a much harder road for her.

Since that day when you walked out on these 2 kids, I have asked you for exactly one thing and one thing only. Pay your child support on time. To your credit, you have done that consistently. I appreciate it. Your child support allowed me to keep a roof over their heads and to keep them fed. It did not pay for the extras like swimming, soccer, dance, daycare, summer camp, gymnastics, karate, Cubs, haircuts, clothing, trips for ice cream, movies, new bikes, rollerblades, winter jackets, birthday parties, presents for other kids' birthday parties, field trips, the cost of gas for all the endless places I drove them, babysitters, glasses, dentists, retainers, drivers ed, school pictures, medicine, those damn book fairs at school, shoes, or for me sitting with them all night long when they cried for you, or were sick, or stressed out about whatever was going on in their lives. It did not pay for me putting up with their behaviour after they had spent a week with you believing it was okay to stay up all night long, eat whatever you wanted, do whatever you wanted, get away with murder, never have to take a bath and that it was okay to come home and be a monster and treat Mom like she's the enemy. Hey, Dad is Disneyland! Mom is reality! No, your small amount of child support - compared to your wages - that you paid me did not cover all the extras that let the kids be normal kids and do the things that all kids should get to experience. However, you did pay your required child support and I have always given you credit for that.

When kid 2 developed an eating disorder and I was running from Dr. to school guidance counsellor to therapist, and standing outside the bathroom door listening if she was barfing up dinner, and begging her to eat, and watching her descend into depression, I decided it was time to get you involved. I told you what was going on and asked you to talk to her. You told her to "get it together" and "get over it" and that "life's really not that bad." I spent about a month trying to get her past "your help." When she broke up with her first boyfriend and cried herself to sleep every night for about a month, I sat with her every night and held her while she cried. You said "What was his name again?" This year when she was diagnosed with anxiety disorder and panic attacks and had to spend a week at a youth center undergoing counselling, she begged me not to tell you where she was. I spent a week away from home and work being there for her every day. She said, "Mom, he won't get it anyway; what's the point of telling him?" When you gave her shit on the phone for being out of touch and not calling you, she sucked it up and took it without saying a word.

And now, she is graduating. All she wants is for you to show up; to have her Dad be sitting in the crowd for one occasion in her life. Thanks for finally letting her know you were coming and actually booking your ticket 2 weeks before the big day. Even though we all knew this day was coming for about 18 years. Thanks for giving her shit about not letting you know the dates and the schedule when I personally heard her tell you them on three different occaasions and you couldn't be bothered to write them down. Thank your new wife for me also. Since kid 1 was not able to get her a ticket for the dinner, she has decided it's not an important enough event for her to show up to at all. (Actually, seriously though, thank your new wife from me personally, because I am eternally grateful I don't have to deal with her on this day.) Kid 1 wants you to see her walk the stage, get her diploma, take a few pictures, see her friends, see her in her beautiful dress, and have dinner with her.

That's all she wants, all she is asking of you after 18 years. Just for once to have her Dad show up for her, to be in the crowd, supporting her, being proud of her. Letting it be all about her. Watching her shine. I've been blessed enough to have that opportunity for the last 18 years and I'm sorry you haven't taken advantage of it and had the same joy and wonder I have in watching her grow up to be an incredible young lady with a very bright future. Smart, funny, beautiful, kind, caring, with plans, and dreams, and hopes. You have missed out on so much with this child that we created. I feel sorry for you, and no amount of staying up nights, worrying myself silly, arguing with her, grounding her, having her drive me completely crazy could ever convince me it hasn't been time well spent.

So, please, show up for her. Be there for her. Be proud of her. Hug her. Tell her you love her. Let her know what an amazing human being she is. Give her memories to look back on as she remembers this day years from now. Love her. Let it be all about her for one day.

I've never asked you for anything. I'm asking now.

And I swear to God, if you screw this up, I will kill you with my bare hands.

Sincerely,

the mother of your children

Formerly Single

When I was single, I could pretty much do whatever I wanted. If I didn't feel like cooking dinner, I didn't have to. If I wanted to hang out on the couch and watch tv all night, I could do that too. Sleep in until whenever I wanted on the weekends? Yup. Put off doing the laundry or cutting the grass one more day? No problem. If I had a good book on the go, I could be lost for hours. Sometimes the urge to cook something special or bake hit me and I'd spend hours messing up the kitchen.. More often that I should admit, toast and peanut butter is and was my favorite dinner.

I like being at home. Often when I get home at the end of a day, I'm so glad to be there that the idea of going out again never even crosses my mind. Out of the work clothes and into my comfies. I enjoy my house. It is where I feel safe and secure. It wraps around me like a hug when I walk in the door. All of my "stuff" is there and the memories associated with most of it bring me comfort and happiness.

The point is that I ran my own schedule. Toss in some kid related things and that was about the sum total of demands made on me. Kid 1 was often working or out with friends, or doing whatever it is teenagers do when they disappear for hours on end, and I had tons of time all to myself.

Sure, many people heard me complain about it being lonely and how I wished I could find a good man to share my life with. And that I was going to be single forever, and that I just couldn't do relationships, that I was going to get many many cats and be the crazy cat lady rocking on her porch, and that I was just positive I was going to die all alone. Not that I'm dramatic much or anything.

Well, hell froze over and I did find a good man to share my life with. Who knew? He's definitely a keeper and I have no intention of letting him go. Finding someone who really gets me and knows all about my dark side and loves me anyway is some sort of a miracle on earth. I'm not messing with that, people. He loves yard work, will cook because he likes to, does laundry without being asked, and whips out the vacuum on a regular basis. Having the handyman skills to fix all the long neglected "to do" items around the house wins him huge brownie points. Being pretty damn cute and able to make those butterflies flit around my stomach on a regular basis is a bonus.

However.....

Did you know that if you actually invite someone to move into your house and live with you, they never,never,never go away?

Ever.

Even if I have had the day from hell and want nothing more than to get home, put my pyjamas on, and eat ice cream straight out of the carton until my misery is soothed. I might like toast and peanut butter and think it is a perfectly acceptable thing to have for dinner, but the guy who likes meat and potatoes is going to turn up his nose and proclaim loudly, "Toast is not dinner!" I may never ever miss an episode of the Bachelorette or American Idol - and don't get me started on Big Brother - but once the 6 o'clock news is over, the tv ceases to exist for him. Nascar excluded, of course. One of my favorite things in the world may be to climb into bed and read a book until all hours of the night. That does not work well with someone who can not sleep unless it is completely dark and does not understand the joy of reading. Saturdays may have been all about sleeping in before. Tell that to the guy who can't stay in bed past 6 A.M. Peace and quiet and time alone may have been "my thing"; now there is someone always wondering, "Whatcha doing?"

Don't get me wrong. I found him after a very long search, and I am keeping him.

Adjusting to him is taking a bit more time.